Barbara wrote: "Sometimes after all the alcohol issues are dealt with, we find the person is not a very nice person and not someone we would choose to associate with except for the fact that we've been with them for a long time."
This is the crux of the matter. I put up with obnoxious behavior while he was drinking. Then he stopped, got into therapy, got into AA, and many of those obnoxious behaviors changed. I attributed (rightly so) the obnoxious behaviors to the alcohol. But now I believe I AM seeing his core way of relating to the world... absent the alcohol. It's only this year that I have had the opportunity to see him with no alcohol, IN therapy, AND in AA. And there's a threshold of rude behavior that he cannot or will not change (or even acknowledge as a problem-- he says I'm too sensitive). Right now, with his mom going through chemo, he's on an even shorter fuse.
No, it doesn't really make any difference in the long run.
Our friendship is good, and I expect it to continue. But we are not romantic partners or lovers-- I'm reading to stop trying to be. (I think this will be a great relief to him-- I know it will be to me.) We don't live together (never have), but we do share ownership of two dogs. He has a weekend cabin on property next to my rural home and the doggies go back and forth. I've been spending less and less time with him until this ankle thing. And being with him and his mom so much has clarified things for me, including raising the brain damage question.