Sasha99

I can't believe I'm still in the same relationship (5.5 years) that I was when I first registered here! What an idiot!

When we met, my bf was 52, getting drunk every single night. I was widowed two years, and my late husband had had many health problems, so I think the main reason I didn't bolt as I should have was that I was so used to dealing with one crisis after another that I didn't see his drinking for what it was. Anyway, in 2003 bf had open heart surgery, I gave him an ultimatum, and he did stop drinking. A year or so later, I gave him another ultimatum and he entered therapy. Finally at the beginning of 2007 (in a session with his therapist) I asked him to go to AA. He did, loves the great group, and has been going ever since. He has changed A LOT, needless to say. His life is 1000% percent better than it was. Good thing, too, because his mom (age 89, he is an only child) was just diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

With all the positive changes, there are two things that may yet prove to be deal-breakers for me.

1. Sex. We don't. After his heart surgery, he quit smoking briefly and the equipment was functioning well, and I had hope. In the last year, we've had sex once. Long story, but he basically doesn't have interest. When his interest after getting sober first flagged, I posted here, and people said, "give it a year or so." That sounded sensible to me, but now it's been over three and a half years, and he still shows no interest. We've been to three therapists together, and I've been to four others on my own for extended periods.

2. His anger. Since Day One the tone of voice that he often uses to address me is unnecessarily rude and defensive. We've gone around and around about this, with the therapists, too. Lately, I've been staying with his mom, so he can help out both of us (she's having chemo, and I'm immobilized with a broken ankle) and I observe him doing it with her, too. When she asks a simple question in a simple tone of voice, he often responds with sarcasm, a rude tone, a deep sigh, eyerolls, grimace, etc. He does this less than he did when he was drinking, but it's still often, several times a day. It hurts when you ask someone a simple question, like "do we need dog food?" and he takes that to mean either that he's screwed up and forgotten the dog foor OR that he bought the g.d. dog food and you're checking up on him.

Finally my question: is it possible that 30+ years of heavy drinking and drug use have actually caused so much brain damage in him that he is incapable of responding like a normal human being? He has told me that he feels defensive when people ask him questions because he has forgotten so much. The phrase "do you remember the time we--?" no matter how gently uttered will set him off.

I've read that when people become sober, they emerge into the world emotionally stuck at the age they were when they started drinking/drugging. In that case, his age is 17, and this is exactly how he behaves: like an adolescent.

So what about the brain damage? Anyone know anything about this? Thanks.





Regardless of the answer, I still need to break off the "romantic" part of our relationship, such as it is. I know this.

P.S. In the everyday aspects of life, cooking, cleaning, lifestyle values, religion, music, we are VERY compatible.