and STILL need A LOT of work
i choked at the last minute.
i found an apartment - it was fine- cats welcome-and it was very affordable.
the experence was pretty tramatizing though. it was the old apartment complex where AH and i used to live, where we met, and to top it off the first place the landlord took me was his old apartment! talk about flashbacks. it was awful-my heart started beating faster and faster as she got closer to the apartment - all the old smells-the set up- all the memories - all right back there in my face - just my luck right?
i actually left right then and drove around, got the courage up to call her on the phone, go back, and ask to see another apartment. this was one that had a nice window and was something i could probably be able to live with.
it was all too much for me- going back there. i went home and cried and cried and cried with AH. we discussed what happened, the memories, the whole experience. i asked him to tell me as his friend of seven years if he had any true intentions of changing and i asked him to let me go if not. he said that he would do the very best he could. he said he would go back to AA, try really hard to get a sponser, and work on the anger and abuse issues. he said he would do this, but he needed me to do it-without me he would do nothing ( i know i know i explained that he had to do it for himself if he is serious and sounds like manipulation.) he could not promise anything though.
but, somehow, i felt like i owed it to him, myself, and our marriage, to give him this one last try - AGAIN, my name is hopeangel and i am STILL codependant!!!
so, my brain knows he will most likely drink again very soon, be angry and abusive again, very soon. my brainn knows all the logic. my heart is still calling the shots though...
i just didn't have the d@@@ courage to move! like i am paralyzed.
of course, family and friends are upset with me. i am upset with myself. i probably will lose the apartment (she is showing it again on saturday to someone else) and there were only those two apartments. i am probably losing a chance at a relationship with another very loving and good man who i have real feelings for
i feel like all the work i have done since july in finding myself and my own happiness is gone.
i AM telling myself that the minute AH drinks again i will go and sign the d@@@ lease, if the apartment is still there. no crying, no complaining, no looking back, nothing, i will just do it. (i don't know if i believe myself though).
i have determined that i will do it all on my own. i am not going to subject family and friends to anymore of my problems with AH. i am not going to talk to them about it. why should i put them through that? i will just do it.
you know, when FDT and others were saying that i really didn't want to move and was making excuses. i thought they were crazy. the whole cat thing was not an excuse, but obviously, i wasn't really ready, so there is truth to it.
i just feel like my insides have been ripped out....