Anything I might add would seem very dull after reading the hell you all went through, so I'll keep it brief. You have my respect for having gone through that and not caving in. I too could put away a 30 pack of beer all by myself in a day. Then I started on 100 proof vodka (can't smell it, supposedly - & much more convenient to take in to work). Nothing numbed me in the end. I'd fall asleep exhausted from trying to work and behave normally while being sloshed all day. Then I'd wake up after 2-3 hours shaking, desperate to sleep but couldn't. Up I'd get to have a drink. Finally just kept a bottle next to the bed & began round the clock sipping. I'd try to slow it down in the wee hours of the morning, anticipating work the next day. When I drove to work my knees would shake horribly - I remember being asked to sign a birthday card at work and couldn't do it - also, at lunch, having soup with my boss, couldn't get the spoon up to my mouth - everyone noticed. Decided to go to detox only to make it look better in court, after my 2nd DUI. Before going to the hospital I stopped on my own. When I got there they were very upset with me, saying I should have never tried to do it alone. I could have had a stroke, seizure or heart attack. My blood pressure was all over the place. I didn't see things or hear voices, but my skin crawled & I had to constantly pace, perspired profusely, & my heart thumped. For me the worst thing wasn't the physical part, but the mental - I was so full of remorse and horrified at what I'd allowed myself to become. Trying to mend relationships and "fix" all the things I had let slide was the worst part. Hard to imagine that after 3 yrs. sober I fell back into it once again without even giving it much thought. Then I found the miracle that is SR - daily reading and once in awhile posting has kept me safe for 4 months now. The cravings have become less - but this holiday season is a killer.