I am an alcoholic
I was 16 years old in rehab for the first time when family day rolled around and my Dad came for a visit. I had a week left before discharge and although I resisted treatment when I first arrived, I was at the point where I didn't want to leave. My father looked at me that day and said "I don't think you're an alcoholic. You just have some problems that need addressing". I drank 2 or 3 days after being released.
At 20 I gave birth to my first child and stopped drinking immediately when I found out I was pregnant. I stopped breast feeding at 6 months and was drinking again a month later. I said I wasn't an alcoholic because I was able to stop.
At 24 I was coming out of the tail end of a horribly abusive relationship and starting a new one with a man who was sober. I started counceling for substance abuse and went to a few AA meetings. I became very active in my church but couldn't stay "dry" for more than a few weeks at a time. When the relationship came to a very bitter end I gave up on treatment and eventually lost everything, including custody of my child. I was 27 when this all came to a head. 3 years, most of it a confusing blur.
At 28 I started an outpatient treatment program and met my husband. I worked hard and got custody back. I "relapsed" 3 or 4 times while in treatment eventually deciding that it was circumstances in my life that caused my drinking patterns but not a real problem with me. I became pregnant with my second child and remained sober through that pregnancy and about 4 months afterwards.
The next 6 years I would drink, black out, have horrible hangovers. Get sober a few days do it again. I got to a point of drinking everyday. I couldn't work. Some days I could barely function. I had horrible fights with my husband. And although I didn't drink in front of my kids they have known their mom to be sick an aweful lot. They have heard arguements they shouldn't have. I decided what I was drinking was too strong and switched to beer. When that didn't work I tried to limit it to the weekends. Tons of attempts to control it. No drinking at home. That didn't work. At 34 I decided I HAD to stop. My father, the one who told me I wasn't an alcoholic that first time, died of liver disease.
I joined an online support group (not this one) and made it about 9 months before I relapsed again. No AA, no treatment. Just me. I still didn't know a thing about recovery. But because I had made some progress in my life I was very proud of myself. I believed in the power of positive thinking. But I for some reason missed my old destructive self.
My relapse taught me that I wasn't an alcoholic. I drank. It was ok. I didn't drink again for a few weeks. Ok, this is great. I can control it. I only drink when we go out. Awesome! I had gone to get bloodwork done during sobriety and it all came back ok. Not only was I not an alcoholic but all my years partying didn't even hurt me. Fast forward to today. I drink less and black out. I can't control my compulsion to drink. I drink several times a week. The days I don't I am either recovering from a hangover that now has me throwing up most of the day, the day after, or I am suffering silently because I want to drink. I drank sometimes in the afternoon. I never did that before. I started drinking during the day on the weekends.
I quit drinking last week and made it 5 days. I drank, spent the next day throwing up and I'm very fearful for my health. I am back on day 2 now.
I have an appt. to get my blood work done. I may not be so lucky this time. I have an appt. to see a substance abuse councelor tomorrow. I'm gonna be completely open and honest with her. But what is so different about this time? Why would this time be any different than my other efforts?
Because this time I admit I am an alcoholic. I have prayed to God to remove the compusion to drink. I will do whatever it takes to save my life. I will embrace AA this time. I want my drinking story to end here and my life to begin.