helluvagalnva

Last night at 10:00 my A calls. I let the machine pick up - he was drunk of course. He said that he couldn't keep the kids this weekend because his parents are going out of town and he had to work on Saturday to make up for the day I made him miss because I took him to court.

I picked up the phone and told him that he hasn't had his kids since Memorial Day weekend that this was his weekend and he was going to have them because I have plans for myself. He said come on Cin - I need to work - I need the money. I told him, too bad this is your weekend and you will be keeping them - it's Father's Day Sunday and I told him that I had to go and of course he started with the sob stories and I just hung up. He called back a few minutes later - he was crying. I really need to talk to you. I'm really srewed up and need to talk to you because you know me so well. I told him I couldn't help him - that I couldn't keep doing this to myself. He said you always told me that you would be there if I ever needed you and you would always give me your support. (I did tell him that but where is he when I need him or his support - not there) Then he got mad because I wouldn't talk to him. He started getting an attitude and said well when is our divorce going to be final. just go ahead and get this thing over with. You don't want me anymore so let's get it over. I hung up on him again after telling him - his little minds games are not working anymore.

Driving to work this morning I felt guilty for hanging up on him. Should I feel guilty? Should I have listened to him to find out what was bothering him? Should I care? I do care but I can't keep doing this to myself. My therapist told me yesterday to not depend on him even where the kids are concerned and not talk to him at all. She said that is the only way I'll move past and on with my life. If not she asked is this where I want to stay. I can't stay here in this spot because I'm driving my self crazy. I'm about to crack.

I can't focus on anything. I'm forgetting everything. I got written up at work because I'm allowing this to seriously affect me. If I get written up again I could lose my job. I'm going out of work for 3 weeks on medical leave. I really need a break - I'm so overwhelmed and stressed with every aspect of my life. Taking care of three kids basically all by MYSELF. Listening and believing all the lies, not knowing what's reality. I'm always in this state of confusion. I cry all of the time and just can't seem to get it together. I just went off my med's about a month ago cold turkey so that has alot to do with my state of confusion also but we're working on that too.

I believe my A on just about everything he says. I live in this fantasy that he is going to do the right thing when he's incapable of doing the right thing. My stomach and chest feel like a ball of knots. I hate this feeling.

I have a feeling that he doesn't even remember our conversation or if he does he'll probably not pick up the kids and say well I told you that I had to work and couldn't watch them. i don't remember you telling me that you couldn't keep them. He probably won't show up to pick them up from my mom (babysitter) so I'll have to.

Thanks for listening.

Love,
Galnva