I am a mom of 2 addicts
I am an alcoholic
I am a spouse of a dry alcoholic
I am the daughter of a sober (26 years) alcoholic
None of us in any of those relationships "chose" addiction as a accessory. Most of us come to realize that addiction is inherited, like the tendency to get some cancers or diabetes or heart disease.
We who have been on the different sides know mostly about what DOESN'T work... bribes, pleading, promises, shunning, disdain, anger, rage.... on anyone's part.
I love those in my family who are still drinking and drugging - but I cannot live with active addiction in my home.
I asked each of my children to leave at different times. My son at age 18, my daughter at age 17.... two of the hardest nights in my life.
I did not ask them to leave in order to "get them sober". I asked them to leave so that I could still love them... the 'real' person that was tied up in the addiction. Because like a fire, it burned when it got too close...
No one .... NO ONE .... tries harder to quit using (alcohol, drugs, sex, food, gambling, whatever) than an addicted person. No one feels more shame. No one feels more regret.... and NO ONE feels more self-loathing.
But self-loathing and regret don't fix addiction any more than do disdain and disgust.
We are all in this together.... and most of those of us who love the addicts will find our behaviors mirror that of an addict.
We hide the problem... (Jimmy needs a drink to relax, Mary has such pain in her shoulder....)
We lie. (No, you can't have the car! I will never let you live here again! I will NEVER give you money again! I will NOT! You CAN'T! ....)
We hide. (Jim and I can't come to the bridge party, he has a terrible flu.... Susie is too sick for school today, can she make up the test tomorrow?)
We rationalize (He will quit when he gets the promotion... She will stop when she finds the right man... Maybe she won't drink this time)
We obsess (Will he call? What if he calls? What if he doesn't call? When he does call, I will give him a piece of my mind. Oh God, what if he can't call? What if he is lying broken in a ditch somewhere? What will I do if he is dead....?)
We have compulsive behaviors (Hi Marge? Is Jerry there? Have you seen him? Did he mention where he was going? Hi Joe's Bar? Is there a Jerry Bender there? Is this the hospital? Can you tell me if a white male, about 35 has been admitted? Hello, is this the jail? Do you have a Jerry Bender in custody?)
We and the addicts tell ourselves the same thing.... Never again. This is the last time. I will never do this again.
But we do it. Again. And again. And again. And....
Sometimes, we learn that we need to separate from the source of the pain... we need to keep our "Hands off the addict". That is the beginning of OUR recovery. That is how it works for us.
But we aren't so different from those we love... just two sides of the same coin.