musiclover

I made this post on another Thread last night but I get the sense that it is more appropriate to have it here.

Well folks, here it goes....

I've really never had an opportunity to talk to anybody in great detail about my problems. I'm the type of guy that hasn't been able to talk in any great detail about my problems and past experiences. This forum really is a great start as at least I can get it out in the open in the cyber world then decide how to deal with it accordingly.

Here's a quick synopsis of my life...... and I'll try not to bore you folks.

-born in 1980 to a middle class american family

-parents divorced in 1987 (never dealt with it or talked about it with ANYBODY)
I was told that this would come back one day and bite me in the keaster and it sure as heck did.

-Got Heavily into drugs in 1994, yes only 14 years old
My drugs of choice were LSD, marijuana, alcohol and whatever else I was able to get my hands on. I really get the sense that I blew out my brains within a 3 year window. I did things that I really wasnt to proud of to feed the addiction. As you can probably imagine, I hurt people who only ever loved me. Even though my family was broken at the time, I knew that my parents would have given their own lives just to save mine.

From the first time that I experimented with LSD, I was hooked. I thought it was too good to be true. How could I go a full out mental trip to another galaxy and all for only $5. What I really didnt realize at the time was that I was just running away from reality and in the process did significant damage to my brain, body and personal relationships.

At 15 years old I was pretty much living on the streets, couch surfing at friends houses and really just avoiding the three potential final outcomes.
1) Jail
2) Death
3) recovery

I was so suicidal at the time that I figured I give myself a few more years, have fun, party and then take my life. It really freaks me out to think that I had a day set, the rope purchased and a suicide letter written. A strange event that I thought I'd mention was that right before this date I went to the lottery retailer and bought 200 quick picks for what I thought to be a one last ditch effort to buy happiness. Well, needless to say I won about 30 dollars off the two hundred tickets, not the multi millions that I was hoping for. It just so happened that my parents shipped me out of town right before the "date" and luckily the plan was aborted.

I never really had to opportunity to deal with any of my problems in any formal setting. Before anyone goes and accuses my parents or poor parenting, they did send me to at least two dozen shrinks. The problem was that I wasn't able to a) identify my issues and b) articulate them in a way that anyone was able to help.

So with the help of my parents and informal house arrest for 14 months. I eventually kicked the drug addiction (or so I thought). Once everything seemed ok to the parentals it almost went back to life as usual. I eventually landed in the rave scene started taking pills and drinking like a fish. Although since this only happened on Saturday nights, I kept telling myself that it was ok, that I had kicked "the addiction" and that it wasnt a problem because i wasnt doing it everyday. This went on for another few years and eventually wiened off of it.

This brings me to the last few 7 years of dealing with massive depression. I have a chemical imballance partially due to the heavy drug use. I've been struggling with this for a long long time and really dont know how to break the cycle. The good news is that I havent done any drugs in about 5 years. The bad news is that I'm not happy.

I still have the odd drink and sometimes binge but again only on weekends. I still think that in the back of my mind I have a problem but really can't get any clarity.
I don't mind sharing with you folks that I'm 27 years old and still live at home. As a side note to that I also wanted to share that I just purchased a property (from 5 years of working hard and saving). I guess the reason why I point that out to you (and myself) is that I consider this an accomplishment. If you would have told me 8 years ago that I would eventually be working in a full time solid job, be able to purchase a property and not be dead. I would have told you that you're nuts.

I guess the reason that Im posting here is so I can potentially get some insight and get this out in the open. Believe it or not, this actually feels really good just to be able to get it out (even if nobody reads it).

So I find my life entering yet another chapter, it went from stuggling with drug and alcohol addiction to severe depression. The thing that I find so strange is that right now my life has never been more focused. I have a job that I really like, I'm moving to a place of my own, I just got out of a long relationship (that was for the best)
But....... for some reason I feel like there has been an explosion in my brain and that I'm scattering to pick up the pieces.

Any help, thoughts, insight would really be much appreciated.