It's funny in a way. In a 20 year addiction..the last 13 of them being pretty hardcore street use. Not until just before I joined this board this past March did I ever think about really getting sober and making it a priority in life.
I have relapsed several times since then. And with every relapse came another extreme in consequences. An extreme in everything that came along with the relapse really.
In May I was ready to seriously give up life. I didnt want to be an addict anymore and trying to get sober was too hard and disappointing. I went to the ultimate extreme. And had it not been for my cousin by chance finding me. I would not be here posting right now.
After that...I still relapsed a few more times. But I have noticewd tho..That with every relapse since then. I learn from it.
Everyone keeps telling me do the steps..I've been told what I have to do to get sober...I know all that already. And have tried it as well. Maybe not as hard as I should have. But enough to see that certain ways are not for me. It doesnt necessarily mean I am doing it "MY" way. I am just trying every possible avenue I see. Because if it was my way. I wouldnt even try anything at all.
I do know I can not do it alone and I dont. My grams is a 8 year recovering alcoholic. My father also has 20 some years sober. But I dont talk to him anymore...sadly. I have a super wonderful family who knows how to lay down that tough love without making me feel unwanted.
Anyway...my point is...I was thinking this today. I am finally for the first time feeling the consequences on my own. I hate this stupid piece of crap job I have right now. My truck is falling apart. I got tickets and court and bills up to here. And for once...Noone to bail me out. It's scary. But you know what. I feel humbled by it. And I feel a sense of accomplishment for having to suffer and dig myself out for once. Does that sound odd?
It is stressful at times..But more so I welcome it and am glad I am going through it in a way.
Does that make sense?
And with every slip in anything in my life lately. I take something with me from it. I am learning the hard way. And...I kinda like it.
Anyway..enough rambling. I have just been really thinking in depth lately about myself. And it goes past just my addiction. I think of my behavior..personality..reactions...how I deal with things and think about stuff now.
I guess I am searching myself and learning about the me that I want to be.
And F911...You did not bother me....anyway. And there is no loop here.
I just hope you know that just because I was spoiled that I was also loved very much and shown the way. I CHOSE to be the way I am. I chose to pass all those opportunities by that would have made me a more independant person. Because I knew my grams loves me so much. There wasnt anything in this world I could do that would make her turn her back on me. That was my point. Please dont think it was in anyway a negative response to you.