First of all you are not a loser!
Some times it really helps to see our thoughts in writing. Helps clarify it some how.
When you find yourself at the bottom of that deep deep well you have to try not to focus on the light at the opening. Face the wall, look for hand holds and start climbing.
I appreciate your post and honesty. You can do this. So you will be able to return the help to your Grams when she will really need it.
Good luck to you,