Feeling consequences
All my life I have had my grams to get me out of every trouble I have ever had.
And sadly..I never even had to pay a bill or be responsible for anything until 4 years ago. I am 32 years old. Never moved out and have never had to be responsible for anything. Not even my own actions.
I know it is my fault for not wanting to. And alot of my family blame my grams for being a bigtime codependant and super big enabler.
I believe she does have partly to do with it. But it's because she loves me unconditionally and what I go through she goes through.
I hate it that she feels every little mess up I do.
Every court date..Every missed payment anything and it doesnt even have anything to do with her and she takes it on like it is hers.
It kinda frustrates me because for one. I am a bigtime piece of crap for doing the things I do knowing what it does to her. But at the same time. I am 32 years old and I wouldnt be able to take care of myself if I had to.
I havent really been taught the skills to be independant enough to do that.
I was and am still somewhat spoiled. I am like a big huge teenager and it is so freakin pitiful. I cant stand myself.
But since my gramps died in 2003. We dont have the financial means like we use to. He had a very high paying federal government job and I never wanted for nothing.
But when he died...We had only his pention and a few of his investments and what we got for selling our house in Florida and that was it.
It was alot. Altogether I would say 100,000. But my grams likes to spend money too.
It was gone a year after he died.
We moved to NY with it and bought all new furnishings and pretty much started over.
We have been broke for 3 or 4 years now.
My grams gave all her IRA's and stocks and even some of my gramps IRAs away to my dad and aunts years ago. She pretty much gave her saving for retirement away.
So now we struggle.
And I struggle bad because I have never had to be responsible and take life seriously until the past few years.
I feel like an idiot.
And now I am really getting myelf in a whole with these past few relapses and for the first time in my life there is nothing to bail me out. No money and no means to save what I have lost and aaaaam about to lose.
I have faced guns pointed at me and many close to death experiences in the streets. And as stupid as it sounds. None of that has ever stressed me like this financial situation I have gotten myself in.
I feel like I am being thrown to the wolves with no survival experience.
I sound like a big spoiled brat. I know.
But I ave been trying to be responsible and my relapses really affect me bigtime.
Because there is noone but me to dig myself out now.
I am learning the hard way fast how to be a responsible person.
I fear I may never get it right.
Anyone else going through or gone through this?
And I do think alot of my addiction came from me being spoiled and always getting away with everything in life so I never took my addiction seriously.
I got high because I liked to and I could and noone was going to tell me any different.
If I got in trouble..I just called grams and all was taken care of for me.
Well Finally she is finally giving tough love and letting me see what its like to go without and face my own actions.
I need that.
And I am so glad she is finally doing it.
I feel like the biggest loser ever. Especially when I know what I could have been and where I should be in life if it wasnt made so easy for me.
Just a thought thats been rolling around my head all day.
Sorry for the rant. But needed to get it out.