feeling very used and sad
My 22 yr old AS called this afternoon.
I thought he had called to reconnect so I felt good, and hopeful at the start of the conversation. Its amazing how quickly we can forget the reality.
But things haven't changed.
I should have seen it coming, but I was hit pretty hard.
The last few phone calls haven't been too good. A month ago he asked me to pay for a lawyer for his drug case and I said no. At the time he seemed to handle it okay, but subsequent phone calls he has hinted that he can't believe I won't help him. The accusations have slowly gone from subtle to outright. He can't believe I won't help my "innocent" son.
Its true, there is a chance he isn't the responsible party. He had just gotten to Oregon and met these guys two days before the bust. I know he didn't have money to buy two pounds of marijuana to sell. He was a passenger in the car, not the driver, and He "claims" he had no idea it was in the trunk. I could possibly believe it wasn't his, but I can't believe he didn't know it was there.
The last time we talked I knew he was getting scared and he was getting angry.
Well tonight ,after I was all warm and soft, he asked me to please get him a new lawyer. His court appointed one isn't working.
Its possible that if he had a good attorney he would be off by now, many people have told me so, as there is no evidence against him. So this makes it hard.
But I know, he'll be right back in this type of situation, sooner or later. So if he's not guilty this time it's by chance, not by his choices.
When he called today I was surprised because he told me he wasn't going to call again. So my heart leaped at knowing first of all ,that he was alive, and secondly, that he sounded glad to talk to me.
The conversation started out really good so I let my guard down. The conversation went like it did back in better days, he's chatty and likes to talk about things. Well he brought up his case and asked again for me to pay for a lawyer, and all the guilt guns came out.
I stayed calm, but it hurt.
I reminded him tonight that when he left rehab, and left Ca., that it was his choice, and I would always Love him, but I would not support a lifestyle that involved drugs, including marijuana. I told him then that if he got back around the stuff it was only a matter of time till he was in jail for it.
So here we are. I told him that I had prayed and hoped that it wouldn't happen and I wanted things to work out different, but it didn't, so he needs to accept this as part of the lifestyle.
So now he lets me know in many ways, I am a horrible mom because I would let my innocent son go to jail and not help.
I think I handled the call pretty well. I know I am right. I am not questioning my choice. It feels right at all levels, intellectually and well as emotionally. But that doesn't stop the feelings of sadness.
It makes me question if we were ever close at all or was it only because I was easier then?
He only called to ask for money and I thought he was calling because he loved me, missed me, and was reaching out.
Ouch.