Welcome to SR king!
From my experience and Im pretty sure others behind me will agree. Moderation doesnt work. You said yourself that it keeps getting worse when you go back.
You should consider the fact that addiction is a progressive disease whether it be drugs or alcohol.
People think if they stop for awhile and then start using again it will take time before they get back to the old habits.. the fact is that when you go back you are not only right where you left off, but usually drinking or drugging more.
I tried moderation for years and all it did was prolong my suffering. Give abstinence a try.
I wish you the best of everything, and keep posting. you will see that that their are alot of us going through the same thing.
Great support and advice can be found here.
Not to mention good caring friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!