Hi Kitty...
Boy can i ever relate to what you wrote! I think probably we all can at one time or another. I find bottles all over the place, even when I'm NOT looking for them. I have stopped looking for them because I know that even if I find do some and pour it down the drain, he will get more. He will always get more until he decides it's not worth it.
I have a problem with detaching with love too. I have NO problem detaching with anger. I think right now I have to work on detaching without a meltdown and then maybe the detaching with love will come.
We all get sucked back in....don't feel like you are different in that respect. I know you feel like you are weak because I do too, but the fact is, we love our alcoholics.
In my case, I was married for 17 years before he even started drinking. Can I just turn my back on 17 good years? Is the past 5 bad years gong to erase the good ones? Are our daughters better off with no father in the house rather or having an on again/off again dad IN the house? Those are the questions I have to keep asking myself. And believe me, i am very confused and wishy washy.
All I know is that whenever I blow up and scream at him, it does nothing but make things worse. Then he can blame me for "having" to drink to be able to live with such a screaming b*tch. I am not going to give him any ammunition to use against me OR give him any excuses or reasons why he has to drink.
BTW... I was the Vodka Police too... and I had even rectruited my daughters into being Vodka Deputies. But then I realized that being the Vodka Police was me trying to have power and control over alcohol and I was supposed to have admitted that I was powerless over alcohol in Step 1. We have to give that up to our HP or else we will go insane.
I hope you continue to find comfort here... I know I have and I have only been her a couple days. Keep posting, it really helps.
Sugarplum