Kitty,
May be you are confusing detachment with giving him your permission and I can understand that you cetainly don't want him to think it is ok to keep up his drinking. But detachment is a way to take care of YOU. YOU hurt when you go balistic...and you are also giving him someone to blame besides himself. I have taken bottles, or baggies etc and simply set them out so they know that they were found and said nothing. Believe me...he knows how you feel...but if you go balistic he can call you names, and put the blame on you instead of himself where it belongs.
And when you have expectations that you know he cannot meet who are you hurting? He is obviously just going along on his merry way and YOU are suffering.
Detachment is about taking care of YOU...be selfish. You can take it back a notch and just wave it in his face and leave the room...or slam it on the counter and leave the house...or leave a note. We aren't perfect. Think about it..is all the crazy behavior changing anything?
Maybe the "with love" part will come and maybe it won't...only you can know if you will stay or you will go...but detaching will give YOU peace.
Love JT