Hang in there Kitty,
I think you're angry because you feel trapped. You have an addiction you can't break free of. I've been there. You look at yourself and want out so bad, but you just can't seem to do it.
I think it's that left brain vs. right brain confusion. Each side of your brain is telling you to do something different. It's like the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other shoulder, like you see in the old cartoons.
I can see progress since your first post. Just keep going. It will eventually become clear.
I learned to speak nicely to my son by pretending he was a stranger and that I had to treat him like I would have to treat a stranger. I would not speak from my feelings, I would speak from my mind. It takes thinking before speaking.
On the other hand, it seems like you are ready for a separation. You need a break. How's that plan coming along?
Hugs,
MG
Use the Duck, Luke.