why do i keep trying to reach someone that is unreachable?
i've been staying at my friends, but have not been able to hold to NO CONTACT, like i have wanted to. i could think of ALL kinds of excuses like....i never really explained to ah what i was doing or made clear what i want. humm, hello, haven't i tried to do this with him a million times already? isn't it already clear to him? or the excuse that i have to get something or i miss my cats -lol.
so, last night i went home to get something and could have very well gotten what i needed and walked right back out the door without speaking to ah, but, of course, i had to engage him. i wanted him to know that i knew that he had lied to me the night before and that this too was unacceptable behavior to me. well, he ended up telling me that he was going to fix up the kitchen right after thanksgiving and call the realtor to put the house up for sale. i told him that i had hoped he would make another decision. i also told him that i really needed to know that everything i have done has been out of love and because i want something better for himself and me. of course, this hurt, and sent me into a tailspin. he turned his back on me.
so, i left and went back to my friends house where i have been staying, and then proceeded to call him crying telling him that i really needed to talk to him! of course, he never answered the phone. so, i get dressed and go to the house to find him laying in bed. as soon as he saw me, he said no talking, it is bed time that he was not going to let me upset him at bedtime.... i said how am i supposed to talk to you when you keep pushing me away.
help!!! what is wrong with me? advice. i think i am acting out of fear now. fear that i made the wrong decision about going to my friends and no contact and setting boundaries....because i see him going completely the other way and i am not getting the results i thought i would. deep down i know that i cannot control things and that backing down now is not going to do me one bit of good, if fact, it will cause more harm. i think i need reminded that what he is doing is wrong for me and that i am not being unreasonable and that it is not wrong for me to not be intimate with him or withhold affection because he is all about blaming me and it being my fault now.
i just need to stay strong. no contact at all is better right now right??????????? then there's the other part of me that says that if i just give in things might get better????????????????????? what is this that i am going through.
