dreamygirl

This is just an update about me. I posted here almost 2 years ago - about my situation. If you search on my name you will see my story.

I married a man I dated for 3 years at the age of 39 and left him 7 months later after learning he was an endstage, abusive alcoholic. I tried repeatedly to get him into rehab because I thought HE would beat the odds and the statistics. I thought I could save him - but he just kept drinking. He never drank around me before we were married - once we were married he drank 5 nights a week, came home hammered from work - he would stop off and by liquor and just drive and drive and drink. I use to catch him sitting in bank parking lots - staring off into space bombed out of his mind. I'd find every liquor known to man hidden, throughout our basement. I could not believe my eyes - could not recognize this person. He even looked different when he drank not to mention how he acted. But I stayed as long as I could, went to alanon - looked around the room at all the pathetic, sad people who were living with addicts who were trying to recover - and all the years it took off their lives, you could see it in their faces. I bet they looked worse then the addicts themselves. I decided I was too young to sit around and watch him kill himself, someone else or me. But I waited - until his 2nd episode of esophageal varices put him in the hospital. the first instance occurred years before we met - only he always told me it was an ulcer.

When he was in the hospital I spoke to all the doctors and nurses and they confirmed my worst suspicions - that this 39 year old man had been drinking for many, many. many years - WELL before he met me. They said if he stopped NOW - his liver could heal and he could live a normal life. So I tried and tried and tried - everyone said he would not get better until he hit his bottom. And he would tell me again and again that he hit his bottom, only for me to find more liquor- realize he was telling more lies.

Leaving was very hard - but fear drove me out. Fear that he would bleed to death and the scars that would leave me with. As it is seeing all the blood in the toilet and the sink filled to its capacity with blood will never leave me. Seeing him vomiting fresh blood in the ER and crying and apologizing to me will never leave me. Seeing him drunk and talking to himself, and losing his temper with me and verbally abusing me will never leave me. Those are all the reasons and many more that told me to GET OUT! Told me I could NOT save him - he had to save himself.

After I left - and tried to help him from afar, he continued to accuse me of walking out on him, of being a crack ***** and an alcoholic myself (not true), of having affairs and on and on.

2 years ago this month he then began to stalk me at work sitting out in my parking lot, following a friend of mine home - walking around my car as I sat inside my building - all in a serious drunken stuper. He was arrested on my employer's property - found with open containers of beer and champagne in his car, urinated in his pants - yet still driving a car around a heavily crowded parking lot - could easily have killed someone.

I got a restraining order as I feared for my safety. He was an excop (fired from the job many, many years before we met) and I was told he had weapons in our former home. He was ordered to turn in any firearms but never did. 2 months later they found a gun in his desk where he worked - but he was in rehab at the time so they could not prove it was his. I had already filed for divorce, it became final 2 months later. All total it took me 4 months for my divorce to be final - I had just cause, plenty of just cause in my state to get a divorce granted to me.

He still violated the restraining order but was sneaky about it - used a calling card and left me messages but his words were jumbled, because he had been drinking. He was charged with four counts of contempt of court and it only went to trial this past August - our judicial system is SLOW. The jury found him not guilty - I had to take the stand and I shook the entire time. I had not seen him in almost 2 years. He was enormous and looked as sick and drunk as ever - unemployed, difficulty walking etc. It was very sad and upsetting for me to see. Because he was found not guilty - I lost my restaining order but still had one that was good in the bordering state where I also happen to live.

2 days ago I got a phone call - he was found dead in his home. It was the news I always sort of suspected I would get but still the shock was still mind boggling. I believe he had been dead for almost 7 days - - the third time the esophageal varices killed him and he bled to death.

I don't have to be scared anymore, avoid a lot of towns where I feared I would run into him, make sure I have a restraining order or worry he will come find me.

But I will forever be sad for him - sad for this loss of life to such a horrible, insidious and out of control disease that kills so many people. Sad that under all that alcohol was a genuinely good person but alcohol changes people - it changes their minds, their moods, their entire persona. Sad he suffered for so many years unable to recover, life for him must have been hell on earth. I hope he is now at peace and out of pain. I hope one day I can forget all those scary, sad, painful memories I have of my life with him - - one day I will.

God Bless all of you - those living with this disease in one way or the other. Stay safe and be strong.