I know you're not trying to be mean, Tazman...
Honestly.
I AM confused. Ashamed. Guilty. And totally uncomfortable with my idea of what A.A. is based on my singular experience years ago (which, I realize, is completely unfair).
I drank because it numbed me and let me take a break from myself. Period. I'm an internal, broody sort and I think too much and do it all the time. Then, two years into my sobriety, I got into a relationship with someone whom I now see was a crutch: he didn't drink, so he was "safe" for me because he kept me away from all the temptation. Now that he's gone, and I'm so stressed for the other reasons, I'm being drawn toward alcohol again. And if it wasn't the alcohol, I'd probably relapse into disordered eating again. And if not that, well, I'm sure something else would pop up.
So you're right. I'm an alcoholic and I need to suck it up. Again. I'll get there, eventually.
PS: Interestingly, during my therapy session this evening, my therapist said, in response to my continued resistance to seeking help such as A.A., "What? Would it be easier for you if you did go out and drink again first? Do you need to fall down a few times to be prompted into going?" I think the answer might be yes. So here's my question: what if the only thing stopping me from doing that is the aforementioned guilt and the fact that I don't think I could do it without people finding out? Because I absolutely think I'd get completely wasted right now if I knew no one who mattered would be the wiser. But they probably would right now -- and it's stopping me. Isn't that enough?