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Welcome to SR Spring11. Glad to have you here.

Hmmmm...well, from what I've read here, it's not uncommon for people to form bonds with others they were in rehab with. It's also not uncommon for men and women to form closer bonds either. I believe, and someone can correct me if I'm wrong, that it's referred to as 13th Stepping.

As a woman working my own recovery, I know that the right thing for me to convey here is that you should let him focus on his recovery, and you should focus on yours. Meaning, have you given Alanon a try yet? Alanon is for people who's lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. The focus is put on 'you' and the steps you can works towards within yourself for a more peaceful life.

As such, this would include keeping your hands off of your husband's recovery....not checking up on him, not reading his text messages, not keeping track of who he talks to, what or how many meetings he goes to etc.

I know that's what I'm supposed to say....HOWEVER, I also want to say that learning to 'trust my gut' when things didn't feel quite right was a critical element for me in my recovery. Sometimes I would battle between what 'my gut' was telling me and thinking I was crazy. Bottom line, my gut has never steered me wrong.

OK, so, now you have this information of what he text messaged her. It 'could' be innocent....it 'could' also mean much more. Between the message and his secretiveness (which I don't think is an attribute suggested in AA...again, someone can correct me if I am wrong), I think your gut is trying to tell you something.

Now, what to do....that's a personal decision and I can't advise there. Do you confront him with the information you have? Do you keep it to yourself and keep an open eye and ear?

I will tell you in my previous relationship, I lingered far too long. I knew that he was resuming a relationship with his ex...but I stuffed it way down deep inside. That wasn't my deal breaker, but for many it is. Had I to do it over again, it would have been my deal breaker. Unfortunately, I had other issues in the relationship that kept me pretty busy.

I don't think you are off base for being suspicious. And I also know how tempting it is to 'investigate'. That too is a personal decision. I've done it myself. My take on it is that in this day and age, what you don't know could kill you, if you catch my drift. Again, that's just me. I know other people will view it differently, and that's ok.

In the meantime, read as many posts here as you can. You might want to look at the stickies at the top of this forum as well. I might also suggest in addition to the Alanon meetings I mentioned for you, you might want to attend a couple of open AA meetings. Open meaning anyone can attend. I don't suggest going to any of your H's meetings though. In those open AA meetings, you can hear and see what recovery DOES look like. I found that to be helpful, to a degree.

Keep coming back.