shugabooga

about four months ago i moved to a new apartment at the beach and met a guy right away. we started seeing each other, always drinking. he had/has no job. tells everybody he's a hair model....like that really pays a lot of money. my research about hair models revealed they are payed very little, and certainly not enough to support oneself by working only two days a month. i think he's on disability.

this guy didn't have a cell phone or home phone or computer. yet, i fell for him.

one day, we spent the a.m. and early afternoon together then i had a job interview. i asked him if we could get together that evening and he said yes.

but he blew me off to.......go drinking!!!!!!!!! and with no phone on him, i had no way of contacting him and had absolutely no control of the situation.

so i started drinking!!!!!!!! a lot!!!!!!!!!!!!! by 10 p.m., i was wasted and furious when he finally called, three hours late. i was so hurt, felt so rejected, and was a total mess. he called from a friend's cell phone and for the next few hours, we argued back and forth and i said numerous nasty things, and yelled and just made an ass of myself.

as if this weren't enough, i went over to his apartment at 3 a.m. and his friend (my boyfriend wasn't there) was there and let me in. while the friend was watching tv, i went out to the porch and threw my boyfriend's bike over the wall (second floor apartment), and then i calmly left, and took the bike down to the beach, and THREW IT IN THE OCEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is a bike we had found on the side of the road that morning while bikeriding after church.......an idyllic morning........then he blew me off that night. somehow this bike represented his reason for blowing me off. like going to get that bike off the side of the road was more important than seeing me.

well, needless to say, we are no longer seeing one another. we tried, but he is just a bigger mess than me, and also a fraud and liar.

as if the theft and vandalism of the bike wasn't enough, i tapped into his ***** email account (how brilliant am I? i figured out his password on my first attempt!) and learned that everything he'd been saying to me was all lies.

i am still trying to figure out what all of this means about me and my mental state. he did a lot of inappropriate things, but the Scorpio in me was completely ruthless and i had to get my revenge tenfold +++.

i am wondering if i should just let it go or apologize/make amends as part of my recovery. i totally violated his privacy by tapping into his email.

there will come a time when we come face to face. we live only seven blocks apart and i've already seen him from a distance three times.

the worst part about it is that he has scoliosis, is very deformed and very sensitive about it, and i just ripped this guy apart. plus, it's very painful for him and he takes meds for it........that mixed with alcohol.......bad stuff. but i can't save him, i know that.

so i am feeling guilty and frightened by my actions.

i am seeing someone else now. i'm not crazy about this new guy like i was the first guy. so i don't get crazy. how can i have a relationship with someone i really like a lot if i am so abusive to them? at least i have learned a great deal about myself from all of this!!!!!!!!!!

another bad thing about this........so many people know all about it!!!! he told everybody who would listen about his crazy GF throwing his bike in the ocean. he kinda dug the attention. sick, right? it's funny and just oh so wrong on so many levels!!!!!!!!!!