drainedwife

hi everyone, ive been MIA because ive been working, and cant go on at work, and then i come home and take care of the kids, and go to bed....thats my life in a nutshell....i have no social life, and im completely depressed.

anyway, things are basically the same....maybe my ah is getting better at hiding his use and maybe he is not using in the house as much as he used to, and maybe there is a slight chance hes using a little less, but thats about it. He started to go to "smart Recovery" but it is only once a week for an hour with a therapist. He claims he went from a $500/wk habit to a $50/wk habit. thats a bunch of BS!
he is going just to pacify me...i dont see him doing anything else about his problem or really "working a program".

Yes, i am sick and tired of being sick and tired...what am i going ot do about it??
what is wrong with me that i am too scared to say enough is enough..!!! because thats the way i feel. plus it is an unhealthy environment for my kids to be living in.
i have so much fear....i know and i want to come up with a plan, i keep saying that...but what can i do??

i go to my therapist 2x a week, and i think she is helping me get healthier. I cant find time to get to naranon meetings...but maybe i should try harder.
i was thinking about quitting my job and subbing or working pt somewhere so that i do have more time to go to meetings, support groups, whatever it takes to get me stronger....but of course there is the money issue---i dont make much, but it helps pay the bills..ive been looknig for something else, but with no avail..and i am just physically and mentally drained and exhausted.

my ah doesnt understand why i dont want to hold him, or have sex with him....he just doesnt get it...and he said last night that he thinks i have it in my head that the marriage is over, and if thats the case why dont i just tell him..he will take care of me and the kids financially....but i couldnt get the words out...probably because i want everything to be normal, and i keep hoping that things will magically change and i wont have to worry anymore...but that is a fantasyworld. nothing has changed for 2 years...he is still telling me lies about his using, i am still finding reasons not to believe him, and the saga continues day after day.

i am still waking up with stomach aches, i am still very, very depressed.....
is this nightmare ever going to end?????? how do i get stronger?
today we are going to a marriage counsler...maybe a third party can help. my therapist thought it was a good idea....he doesnt understand how my emotions have been "turned off" maybe a professional can explain it to him.

thanks for listening..i know your as sick as me of hearing my story..maybe thats another reason ive stayed away..im stick of telling the same old sh-- over and over again.....

drained.