(((Frankly)))) I love you, hon. So glad you are here.
I was driving. It was a typical late summer day, here. It was overcast, but not bad. And it wasn't raining... just a little gray.
My daughter had again relapsed and I was off driving off the "white noise" in my brain and sinking deeper into my never-ending depression. I'd been to a few Alanon meetings, but hadn't found much relief.
As I drove, I found places that I love... that spot on the river where I can hear the rapids from the road. The place where the leaves turn early and have such beautiful colors. The site where I can see both mountains... and the river valley where I grew up with my siblings with the ancient volcano flows into the Willapa hills.
I knew what I was doing. I was saying good-bye to my favorite places. I could no longer stomach the image of my beautiful, intelligent daughter sinking further and further into her meth addiction. I'd seen "The Faces of Meth". I'd been to crystalmeth dot com and other sites that showed me in graphic detail what sort of hell she had prepared for herself.
She was going to die. She was going to die young and she was going to die ugly. This mom was not going to watch.
I had the spot picked out - a long, long straight stretch near my mom's house. There was a stone bridge at one end, where the road turned at 90 degrees. I knew from experience I could get the car up over 100 mph on that road. And if I missed the bridge, I'd certainly hit the rock wall behind.
I pulled off into a lot where there is a memorial to my brother who died in 2000. I sat there and cried with such a horrible sadness. I so did NOT want to leave this beautiful place... but I wanted the pain to end even more.
My biggest concern was for my husband and my son, but I convinced myself they would eventually heal... and if not, they would certainly understand. I reached into my purse for a pad in order to write them both letters.... I felt my fingers close over the thick pad and pulled it out.
Instead of my notepad, it was that silly newcomers packet they had given me at my first Alanon meeting. It had a list of numbers on the front. I picked one at random and made the call...without even thinking about it.
I did not know the gal who answered. But she gave me the exact advice I needed that day. She had me write out my fears... all of them. All the things I believed 'might' happen, the worst-case scenario... every bit of it.
Then she told me to burn it. By doing so, I would be giving it back to the only person who could control it... my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God.
What strange advice.
But I did it. I reached back into my purse and found the notepad and started writing. I wrote until my hand cramped up. Then I threw it away.
What relief! I think what I felt that day was peace. I know my fear subsided... for that day. And a day was what I needed. And I vowed to pay back her kindness by attending Alanon meetings - seriously, this time.
And to consider that I had a Higher Power who might be very much interested in my progess along this path I'm on.
Thank you.