I was directed here from another forum and am completely overwhelmed by reading the stories here. I can so relate to what Raven had to say. I can remember my father coming home drunk and pulling a gun on my mother. I was 5. It was the grace of God that caused the gun to jam. From there it was more drinking and more beatings. I am the middle of 5 children. We endured sexual, mental, emotional, and physical abuse in some form on a daily basis. My father was an evil man. I am beginning my 4th step. My heart pounds I became over anxious, cry to the point of hysteria. It scares me to be having to face these issues because it's like I am right back there. The first person on my resentment list is my higher power I call him GOD. I am very angry at the deaths of my brother and mother. I did not get to say goodbye to either of them before they died. After the funerals I through myself back into work. My brother was taken in 1994 after he feel down a man hole an my mother went in 1998 after open heart surgery. I am afraid if I grieve now my family will not understand. But I need to heal. As well as many other issues. Through some of this I really thought I am worthless and would be and my family would be better off if I were no longer alive. ( I have now been relieved of my suicidal ideations by the grace of God). I know to full recover I have to fully heal but it is hard. Please help???????