(I wrote this a few years ago .. thought I'd share it on this thread) - Passion
My heart is dark and cold. Anger lives inside .. molded, fashioned and shaped from childhood is the image that you see before you now. This was not something I chose for myself. I was young and innocent when his sickness was afflicted upon me. Choices were made for me. Choices that I didn't have a say in. My no, was not heard. My life has been affected by the acts of another. I am haunted by the memories. Every fiber of my being screams WHY? How could you? What did I do? Did you know how what you were doing to me was going to effect my whole life? Not just at that very moment, but for a life-time. You instilled in me at a very young age that the way to get a man to love you was to sleep with him. I carried that with me into adolescence and I repeatedly got hurt over and over as I searched for love in the act of sex. I was empty to begin with .. looking to fill the void .. only to end up depleted and hopeless. I felt like a broken toy. Unworthy of love, alone. How can there be any good come from a tainted soul? After all there must have been something really wrong with me for you to do what you did. I must have been defected in some way.. a way that caused you to do it. I was to little to know that it wasn't about me, but rather it was you were the broken one. For many years I blamed myself. I turned to self abuse via drugs, alcohol and promiscuous sex. I chased love only to find you. I could only dream of what I might have been if not for you. Some where along the way I found that my hate was directed at the wrong person and it rightfully belonged to you and it was then that I realized that I have hated you for a long time and even wished you death, but death was not enough payment for what you had done to me. I often wondered how many lives did you change or was I the only one? You took my innocence. You imposed yourself upon me and violated me, making me old before my time. Have you a hint of the damage you have done? And if you do. Do you care? I wish for one moment you could feel my pain. I doubt you could bare the agony you have caused me. I doubt you could survive one day in my skin for you are too weak and prey on the helpless. You ruined many years of my life. I spent them feeling inhumane. A wild animal that would flee in fear. Distrust is one of my best friends. I cringe when I hear the words, "I love you" and I think how could anyone really love me. I am the filth of you. I cannot believe how deep are the scars of my childhood. You cut me to the very core. Though it was long ago you still haunt me in the expressions of others. I have seen your eyes leering at me for the face of a stranger. I have heard the sound of your voice speak from the lips of those I have opened up to. I have lived in the hell you created for me far to long. Today I bury you once and for all. I am ready to become whole.