The first time:
We were living in our new home. A brand new home, the thing that I thought would ease my pain and make our life perfect. I was in the kitchen, and my son (age 5 at the time) came in and said something to me. I don't remember what he said, but I will never forget HOW he said it. The message was a command, spoken with derision and disrespect. I remember feeling as though I had been kicked in the stomach. All of the air left my lungs, and I slumped to the floor. My son ran to me, and I gathered him in my arms, crying. I realized at that moment that my sons were learning how to treat their wives by watching how their father treated me. I stopped crying, picked up the phone and called my parents who lived 750 miles away. I was so ashamed when I started the call - to admit out loud that I had made a mistake and that my marriage was in shambles, that he drank and I was a mess... - and my parents said "THANK GOD it's about time!" I really didn't think they knew anything was wrong.
Although I divorced him , I didn't find recovery. I didn't know about Al Anon, and I really didn't think I was the one who needed help. SO - I did what many of us do in that situation: I replaced him with another one just like him (only more passionate and more violent).
My life with THAT husband was the one that brought me to my knees, and to the doors of Al Anon. When his children moved out to live with their mother, he took scissors and cut them out of all of our family photos. My sons still lived with us, so he poured all of his attention and anger and love and frustration into them. They were teenagers and when his 'isms' spiraled out of control, they moved to their father's house. When he demanded that I take down their pictures (I'd already hidden the photo albums
) and then told me we were going to move to LATVIA to be missionaries... when he found a job as a youth pastor at a church even though none of our 5 kids would speak to him...
That's when I knew it was time. Thank GOD for my Al Anon group. They loved me thru the process. They shared their ESH with me, and didn't tell me what to do. They suggested I make a safety plan as they worried that his rage might turn on me. And they were right.
I will tell anyone who asks that Al Anon saved my life: all of me... mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally.
Thanks Nyte. I didn't realize I felt so strongly about all of this until I started my response!!