It was a dark dark dark time for me that night. He came home because a big hurricane was about to hit, he was going to help me secure the home, get supplies. He said he had to go to his dad's real quick (10 min. away). 10 days later, after weathering the storm with 3 kids, no food, no gas, no power, no water, no phone and no help anywhere, severe damage to the home and no way out, sick as a dog, phones come back on and I find him with a 27 year old addict.
I sat on my bed that night with a 38 to my head, squeezing the trigger half way. At the half way point, I kept flashing to a picture of my kids finding me and I would let off the trigger and get the courage up to start squeezing again, at half way that image would flash in my mind again. I sat there for hours. I wanted it over, but I loved my kids too much, I cared too much about what it would do to them. I called a hotline and got someone who put me on hold, then wouldn't even talk to me. I found SR's site on suicide that said if you are in crisis right now, just read this first. In the process of reading, there was a part that said, your're still alive. And I was. I decided right then, he took everything from me, my money, my love, my faith, my security, my hope, my happiness, my self esteem, my desire to live, I'd be damned if he took my life and in the process destroyed my kids lives too.
Even then, it still wasn't about me, my codieness just wanted to protect those kids. Over time, in little bits and pieces I started finding me. SR helped me do that. I never made it to a face to face meeting, I probably never will, too many fobias. There was no defining moment of recovery, just a whole lot of little recoveries one day at a time.
Today, I have a peace in my heart. I have compashion and forgiveness, I understand better. Today, I Live life, I don't just suffer through it.
B