wylielass

Today marks 24 days of sobriety for me. It also marks 24 days of obsessing over every aspect of my life and health, and fearing that tragedy is going to befall me at every turn. In my saner moments I can actually laugh at myself, knowing full well that I'm just exhibiting typical addict behavior. In my not-so-sane moments I curl up in fetal position, crying until my contact lenses fall out.

Here's a weird one for me: lately I'm afraid of the dark, and of silence. I used to love both, but now I want lights and noise 24/7. For two days I've visited my mom and dad, just so I could take an afternoon nap and hear my mom puttering around in the kitchen, while the tv drones in the background and sunlight filters through the blinds of my childhood bedroom window. It's the only place I feel safe. For cryin' out loud, I'm 39 years old with a child of my own!!! What the heck is up with this regression??? Has this ever happened to anyone else?

I keep putting off the AA meetings, mostly because I'm loathe to ask my husband for help. He's still drinking (though otherwise supportive of me). I don't drive, and I live way the heck out in the middle of nowhere. I know I need to go, and I really believe I'll do it this weekend. Hopefully I'll meet someone who'd be willing to bring me to meetings.

Oh well, I just needed to babble. I think I'm going to bury myself in a book, get through the night, and start fresh tomorrow.....