Originally Posted by
sheshe555 
I've never loved anyone before him, so if something in him made me love for the first time then its something worth fighting for. If it is a fight I lose then at least I can walk away and say I tried... but I will walk away if it comes down to it. If I have problems like this now why would I enter into a more permanent situation and subject myself to that. I am not trying to convince myself "oh he will change" - I am at a point where I actually need to SEE change otherwise I'm gone. Of course he could get 'better' then relapse later - but nothing in life is a guarantee is it.
queenteree... again, while I sympathize with what you've gone and are going through - but again please try to be objective, read my issue at hand and see the questions I am posting. I understand you are very hurt - but please don't try to convince me that because what one person did another will do. He is NOT hiding it from me - a) he has this distinct smell about him when he has even one drink I can smell it on him and not once did he tell me he hadn't been drinking but I smelt otherwise and b) we are literallly together ALL the time with the exception of our work hours and the times when I already KNOW he's going out drinking (i.e. Sunday football). Here is someone who told me he did a line that one time, and told me that he smoked pot when he was drinking even knowing how dead set against drugs I am... can you honestly tell me he's open to me when he screws up about some things but not others?
The reason I ask this is because he realizes that he screws up (yes I'm sure they always do) - and it kills me inside because I can see the hurt in his eyes, I can see the disappointment he has in himself, and I can see how much he regrets putting me through this. We've both come to the conclusion that he needs some type of help...
I, too, loved my AH so much, it was worth fighting for, and I thought if I lose the fight, I can and will walk away. And I did walk away 18 years ago, and he got help and was sober for 14 years. Now, after his relapse that lasted for a few years, it still hurts me to have to walk away, but it is something I must do. It isn't as easy as you think.
Please read my first posts on this forum a little over a year ago. You will see that I loved (still love) my AH with all my heart, you will see what a wonderful husband and father he truly was, you will see how close he and I were at one time. I can honestly say, even now, that my AH loves me w/all his heart, yet his disease prevents him from being the person he truly is. When I first came here, did I think it was going to get worse? Not at all. I thought some of the people on here were bitter, I'd say not my husband, he's kind, good and considerate, he'll never get like that. When I married him he was my lover and best friend, even up till 4 months ago, I could reel him in and make him see how he was screwing up his life. Now, there is no reeling in. It's not scare tactics I am using, it's called personal knowledge and if I can help one person in life not to live like I am living, then it's worth it. It may not be you, but there may be someone out there reading this post and it may help them. I so wish someone was there to tell me this 20 years go, I may not have taken this path in life. And you know what, even with all his drinking and drunkeness now, I can see the pain and saddness in his eyes, you think he wants this???? He doesn't, but he's got a disease, a disease that takes over and doesn't care what he wants and screws up his brain. Take what you like a leave the rest. Much luck to you. Terri