Wow... thanks for your (quick) replies, and I am sorry for what each of you have had to go through. As I'm sure you all realize I'm trying to make sense of things in my head right now and I'm trying to make some decisions... so forgive me if I seem to be rationalizing where I shouldn't.
LaTeeDa and queenteree... in both of your cases it sounds horrible, bitter, and regretful. Fortunately enough I am not in a 20-30 year situation, no marraige, kids or home are involved (we live together, but I own the place). While I can understand the pain you've both gone through - I'm not in that deep... yet. I have refused talks of marraige, kids and purchasing a home together due to the issue we have at hand. Honestly the whole marraige and kids thing was something I never wanted before him - couldn't care less if I had either before him. Now while I do want it with him.. I want it with the "95% of the time" him.. and if I can't have I won't miss it - so before anyone tries to convince me I'm wasting my time please note that the scare tactics aren't going to work on me... it might be unfortunate but its true. I've never loved anyone before him, so if something in him made me love for the first time then its something worth fighting for. If it is a fight I lose then at least I can walk away and say I tried... but I will walk away if it comes down to it. If I have problems like this now why would I enter into a more permanent situation and subject myself to that. I am not trying to convince myself "oh he will change" - I am at a point where I actually need to SEE change otherwise I'm gone. Of course he could get 'better' then relapse later - but nothing in life is a guarantee is it.
queenteree... again, while I sympathize with what you've gone and are going through - but again please try to be objective, read my issue at hand and see the questions I am posting. I understand you are very hurt - but please don't try to convince me that because what one person did another will do. He is NOT hiding it from me - a) he has this distinct smell about him when he has even one drink I can smell it on him and not once did he tell me he hadn't been drinking but I smelt otherwise and b) we are literallly together ALL the time with the exception of our work hours and the times when I already KNOW he's going out drinking (i.e. Sunday football). Here is someone who told me he did a line that one time, and told me that he smoked pot when he was drinking even knowing how dead set against drugs I am... can you honestly tell me he's open to me when he screws up about some things but not others?
Jazzman... if you don't mind my asking was it a situation where you tolerated it because it was only occasional and left to its own devices it worsened? Or did you/she/both come to the conclusion that she needed help and was help pursued?
The reason I ask this is because he realizes that he screws up (yes I'm sure they always do) - and it kills me inside because I can see the hurt in his eyes, I can see the disappointment he has in himself, and I can see how much he regrets putting me through this. We've both come to the conclusion that he needs some type of help...