Possible to control vs quit?
Hi everyone. I'm new here & new to the whole drinking 'problem' so please bear with me (sorry fo the length). I have a live-in bf whom I love very very much, but the further into the relationship we get the more I am realizing he has some sort of drinking 'problem'. Since day one I knew he liked to drink... but certain actions & incidents over the past year are really making his drinking become a big problem not only in his life, but in our relationship... & I'm not quite sure what to do.
Now I have honestly never known an 'alcoholic' so maybe I am just fooling myself... but my impression of alcoholism is an actual dependency ... whether it be to get you through the day, or deal with a difficult situation, or to escape from some reality, or the fact that your body phsyically needs it. I think an alcoholic would drink almost on a daily basis and/or go through withdrawal symptoms if they don't, try to hide their drinking from their loved ones, etc. My bf on the other hand can go a week or a month without drinking, he's never needed alcohol to get through something, & doesn't "crave" it. He very rarely drinks at home unless we have company, there has been plenty of times where there is no alcohol in the house & he's been fine with that. He's never once tried to hide the fact that he's drinking. So to me (us) the problem does not appear to be the alcohol itself... but
A) the decisions he makes when he does drink: He wouldn't touch drugs sober, but did a line once when he was drunk & a few times smoked pot when he was drunk... in all cases he blacks out & spends the next three days feeling guilty; there have been a couple of nights where he just didn't come home - didn't call, didn't answer my calls or texts, nothing - I wouldn't know where he was until the next day. Mind you I lose sleep over it, I've missed work because of it, & I go out of my mind all night because I have no idea if he's dead or alive. In our relationship that has happened 4 times... & thats 4 times more than enough. He gets so wrapped up in his having fun that he doesn't even think to call, doesn't check his phone, or whatever... & yes he's lost his phone twice & credit card 3 times.
B) the inability to stop once he starts: there is no 'couple of beers' with him. He may mean well when he heads out - but its like once he gets a few in him his brain stops participating & his hands automatically keep feeding his mouth alcohol. Also, the bars closing doesn't always mean the nights over... it means grabbing beer at the gas station & drinking till 7 or 8 in the morning. And yes if its Sunday football night he will miss work the next day or be late.
C) although he won't admit it he enjoys being hte 'coolest guy in america' (yes tons of people adore him cause he is such a likeable guy) and he cares too much what other people think of him. He has actually told me that he can't turn down a drink that someone buys for him or can't say no to shots if all the guys are doing them because it will make him look like a little b**ch.
He actually got to the point where he no longer wanted me to come out with him because I would always want to leave early (his definition of early was anytime before he was ready... which was never), or I would tell him he's had enough when he could physically keep going for hours more. It was like I rained on his 'drinking' parade.... He's never been physically abusive & only one time did he speak to me disrespectfully & that was because we needed to be somewhere early in the morning the next day yet he wanted to keep drinking and not go - but he apologized profusely the next day. We argue because although he doesn't treat me 'badly' I still feel disrepected because when the opportunity arises I feel like he puts his drinking before me.
Like I said... maybe I am fooling myself... but we talk about it enough to know that he doesn't want to stop entirely and I can't blame him for that. We're young, we have a lot of friends, and like I said in the beginning he likes drinking. So I guess the questions are:
A) Am I a fool for thinking that there is a way for him to learn to control his drinking without having to quit entirely? I have a difficult time accepting the fact that this is permanent because 95% of the time drinking is not an issue and things are great.
B) Are there resources out there to help people control their drinking without quitting? We have talked about him seeing a psychiatrist to try to get to the root of why he can't seem to control it. Are there people who specialize in helping someone control this instead of places like AA which will require him to stop altogether?
If I am fooling myself then I fear it may be the end of the relationship because he won't quit entirely but I can't stay with him if he doesn't change his drinking habits. I keep telling myself that losing me may be enough to change him but at the same time can't in my heart bring myself to walk away just yet.