Ahhhh Never, I want to hop in my car, get to Long Island and just hug you tight and let you know that it is okay not to feel strong; it's okay to want someone else to carry the load just for a little bit. You have constantly thought of others, especially your son and that leaves little room for you to discover you. I so understand how now as the chaos is easing and you have a few minutes to breath, you are questioning how you got here. Please just remember that the road you took...every decision you made, every step was done because you love Jay so much and want to keep him safe and well cared for.
So even if what you are doing now may not be what you pictured for yourself and may have resulted in missing things you wish you hadn't missed...you did exactly what you needed to at the time and everything you have done is because you are strong, talented, incredible woman and a super wonderful mom who loves her child fiercely. That's been so clear in your posts, in what you share about Jay and your crazy cats and in the pictures you have posted, the way that you battled so hard to make sure your ex was not left alone with your child when you were uncertain if he could properly take care of his needs.
I can relate to your post although I think I am old enough to be your mom...I was a single mom for the first 5 years of my daughter's life and believe me there have been many times since then with two kids where I felt I was a single mom still or even fantasized about returning to that status because it was one less person to have to attend to and do everything for. I've worked pretty much all my adult life and although we needed the money, I went back to work when Kristen was about 4 months old because I knew I was a better mom when I wasn't feeling like I would go nuts if I didn't speak with another adult. Once they were older, I completely immersed myself in work. Yes I loved what I was doing, but I know now that I was escaping by being a workaholic. Honestly, I still haven't quite worked out what exactly I have been escaping...my behavior started before I even knew of addiction, but little by little I'm getting better and someday maybe I will understand and figure out just what I want for me.
It is totally okay for you to decide this is not what you want...Maybe it is just time to put it in low gear and just "be" for a little. You have had to be in survival mode so long, it has to be hard to even figure out how to act when you aren't fighting for safety for the two of you.
I know this is incredibly painful for you, and I too am very worried about you and hope you will speak to a doctor. Lack of sleep alone can be so incredibly damaging physically and emotionally. I posted last week that I was crashing big time...thought I was ready to get off antidepressants, but I'm not...not yet anyway. And that's okay...they help me feel normal and move forward and heal. I've had those dark thoughts...it's quite scary. I admire your courage and strength to come here and express your feelings. Please just know that I truly care and that there are many people here who love you and pray for you. You have always been there for me with your support, a hug, something to make me laugh...I hope I can return just a little of your kindness in your time of need. Let us walk with you, Never, as you go through this pain. As I've learned here and at meetings...the only way past the pain is to walk through it. Hugs and prayers.
