NGU... I hope you can see that there are many of us here, with more than one opinion.
Your comments about the gun scare me. Please let me know you are all right.
What I discovered as I work through recovery is that the "ISM" of alcoholism is alive and well inside me. My sponsor suggested early that I might keep an eye out for other obessive behaviors... as her sponsor had suggested to her.
I thought she was nuts. I came to Alanon to fix my kid - not look for crap in me. But as I got better, I remembered her warning... and whaddya know? I found some.
Mine are gambling, pills, alcohol and addiction to alcoholic/addicts. My sponsor's are workaholism, alcohol and addiction to addicts.
ALL the obsessions exist because they take us away from pain. It does not surprise me that you are discovering that your work was one of them. And I don't think you should be so danged hard on yourself.
Perfectionism is a trait I've seen in almost every one of my Alanon buddys. We all set the bar too danged high... that includes work, parenting, relationships... we all tend to believe there is "the right way" and "total failure"... without a lot in between.
What has helped me most in this path of self-discovery was a Tradition Study my sponsor started three years ago. I mean, the 12 steps are good and all... but the TRADITIONS are all about how I relate to others. So about 4 or 5 of us met at her home with the Paths to Recovery Alanon book and we would read a chapter and then share from our own experience, strength and hope using the questions at the end of the chapter as a guide. Very simple format.
Do you think you can hook up with some program friends for one Saturday a month for something like this? It doesn't take a lot of time in program to do it, and I found it sooooooo helpful.
It helped me to see ME more clearly.
Your fears are real... but they are not necessarily based on truth and can change over time.
As I continue my recovery, my awareness grows.... a lot. Sometimes, we get awareness of something before we figure out how to deal with it. It sounds to me like you are in such a place.
If you can't get to a meeting, or if you don't do face to face meetings, why not write out all your fears? All the ways you believe you've failed, are failing and might fail... in detail. Write out all the possible outcomes, the things that make you blush with shame and guilt.... then burn them.
I've done such an exercise... and it made me feel very much better. A friend of mine mentioned that burning them is a way to give such problems over to your higher power to work on. I find that comforting.
Please know you are in my prayers and thoughts at this very minute... and please check back in. I am worried about you.
((((Nevergivingup)))))