Hi Never, Im sorry your in a low state. I ahve been there so many times myself.
I cannot stand when people raise their opinions saying "we" are pawning our kids off on others to raise. I have 3 wonderful children, I too have missed alot by working since each was 3 weeks old, but we do what we ahve to do to raise them. In this day mothers have to work, some 2 jobs to provide for their children and you have done a wonderful job. Over the past year you have spent alot of great quality time with J. You have been able to do wonderful things with him because of your job, never let anyone take that from you. You have put him first, as you take off work when he's ill and for doctor appointments ect. As well as he's not with strangers when you work, he's with your mom. You are a wonderful mom and have much to show for it, you took yourself and J out of a potentially dangerous situation as well.
Please do not let others comments get to you. They dont know you or the situation at all, generally when people express things in that way they are tasking anothers inventory which as Ive learned in alanon taking anothers inventory brings a mirror image of your own flaws, so take what you need and leave the rest.
Honestly it is hard to go from busy and working alot with others to home all the time, you need outside stimulation and so does your son. Its how life is and how it works well.
before I had children I was a childs portrait photographer. people came for miles to ahve me work with their kids cause I could be goofy enough to make a small one smile and get a cranky 2 year old to laught just long enough to get a good picture. Somewhere after I had my oldest son (almost 10) I forgot how to laugh, forgot how to play. I hate it Ive analyzed it alot and know alot of it was I suddenly had responsibilities so I sorta forgot how to do both and that is something I work at every day, finding the time to have joy and fun with my children no matter how stressed, tired or sick I am.
Ive read your posts about J, Ive seen your pictures, you do take a lot of time with him and bond well. Depression comes when we change our patterns and begin to feel lost. Is it possible to work part time right now or volunteer and still spend the extra time with your son?
I have found learning to get to know me was easier when done in baby steps, true recovery is emotional and that is very normal, try to find joy in the little things.
Many of us moms have missed so much of our children by working to properly provide for them, we just have to reach a balance and it can be done.
Hugs