Selah

When I opened up my eyes this morning it was like I had been punched in the stomach and the pain caused my eyes to well up in tears. And I know the worst is yet to come...

Everyone kept saying "You'll know when it's time to leave." I felt so confused like I was changing my mind everyday, I was allowing the battle b/w my heart & mind to continue.

Last week my xabf came back from rehab. The last 4 months before he left were so unbearable, I was still working through a whole lot of it. So when he insisted I see him, give him the chance to hear him out, to explain with a clear mind, I gave in.
The minute I saw him, I swear it was like he was glowing from the inside. He has lost weight, been running 7-10 miles a day!, he was speaking clearly, he was focused, he looked me in the eye like he was committed to what he was saying. All of these little things were changing, like cleaning up after dinner, being the one to turn off the light before bed(instead of making me get up), being sweet as pie, taking a shower everyday, caring about his appearance, cuddling me.....this was the guy I remembered and fell in love with. I was overwhelmed with happiness, and it was oh so difficult to stay strong, to hold him responsible for everything that had happened. And frankly in some odd sense I felt as though this was what I needed to "let go" of all the bad stuff, to relax and live just for today...for that day.
There was one day I was folding laundry - I saw him watching me, he said "babe come here" - a minute later I walked over, he just gave me the biggest hug, looked straight in my eyes and said " I will never put you through again what I've put you through. You will never have to worry like you have because you're it for me and I want us to build a life. He said even if I'm having a bad day, if I am struggling, if I buy pills, if I take them, no matter what, I'll tell you. I haven't known myself this well in years...and I know that I couldn't be honest with anyone because I wasn't honest with myself." I believed him because I had never seen that much clarity in him.

Little did I know that very same day or the next day (not sure), he had already bought pills. He was carrying them around with him for days. He had made all these promises of a plan, 90 mtgs in 90 days, weekly drug tests, counseling, and changing his phone number. I was suspiscious that after 3 days of coming home he had not changed his number. But I was fighting those codie habits and wasn't going to ask. Well I asked, and then I kept asking. He claims I was too hard on him and this may have caused him to relapse. Sincerely all I did was repeat my boundaries: If he wasn't going to continue to be proactive against his addiction then I wasn't going to be proactive in building this relationship. I had to have the answers to those questions or I couldn't stay.
We went up north this past weekend, it was beautiful, he was clean, we enjoyed the weather. He hadn't taken anything. But he did decide he was ok to drink, b/c "thats not where his problem lies" I got choked up and left the room the instant I saw that bottle touch his lips. I knew it, I felt it, this was it, he gave in to beer, he was dunzo.
So in the past two days I had noticed little changes, sounds wierd, but it's a tone in his voice and slant to his left eye...everytime. I am just so offended that he thinks we don't recognize the symptoms. The denial he has and is able to perform is absolutely incredible.

So last night when after hours of waiting (I couldn't send him away driving on the road - too messed up) he finally came clean. He was home for day and got those pills, he had been in contact with all three of his drugs dealers, and the lies go on. I feel so awful for his parents, they spent a whole lot on this rehab thinking that 30 days would finally get him the chance to look at his life.

When he came back that was me giving him a chance. 6 days later, 6 damn days later he just up and failed...just like that. I am so angry at him, I didn't care codie or not, I yelled like a wild woman last night, I kicked him, I gave him all of his stuff. I HAVE to be done. I no longer have a choice. The anxiety symptoms I have, the tears, the weight I've lost, the way my heart pounds, the anger that build up, I actually punched him in the arm and felt terrible. I am so angry this didn't work out.

The last words I heard were "Babe, I am so sorry. I wanted to marry you. I love you so much, I wanted nothing else but to live the rest of my life with you. I'm sorry you don't understand addiction and you're leaving me. I'm so sorry."

And I still have to walk away. I have to stay strong to not answer his calls, his emails, his attempts to reconcile.

Today I feel angry, but the real breakdown is coming, I feel it.