After his first suicide attempts, and rehab, and relapse, and me trying to break it off (all happening within the last week or so), I got drawn back in and it was…IS…horrible.
My ABF has been calling, telling me how much he loves me over & over…and here I was, trying to “stay strong” and I kept telling him…You have to love yourself first, and I can’t see you, and I can’t let him kill me as he kills himself…I used the words, “I can’t let you take me down with the ship.” I feel overwhelming guilt now…
His mom calls me, and tells me she found him in his room with a belt around his arm and a knife…he told her he was seconds from doing it. She left the house right away, and took his brothers to a nearby store (they are much younger—16 and 13).
Weather this is what I should of/shouldn’t have done is pointless now…because I already did it…but I met up with his mom & dad—they wanted to do an “intervention”. For some reason, we couldn’t get a hold of anyone else—every other family, friend, priest, whoever!—was out of town. So, the 3 of us went over to see him…as soon as knew I was at the house, he was so embarrassed for me to be there and see him—he jumped from the 2nd story window of his house and ran. We called 911…I was hysterical. The police had just taken him in after the incident last Monday (
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-any-help.html )
And he apparently had 2 firearm warrants from last week (from being intoxicated and carrying the gun he was planning to kill himself with) so the police were able to search for him—in order to arrest him—last night.
The whole thing was unbelievably traumatic…
I had to call 911 again…I was so scared he was lying on the ground out the window dead…I couldn’t look. When I found out he had taken off running—drunk, injured & possibly with a knife…I was so scared he was lying dead somewhere in the woods. He had nowhere to go.
I spent an hour sitting inside his parent’s house, while the police searched the area. Eventually he somehow snuck around the police and came to the front door banging with a big stick. We didn’t open it, and called 911 again…but the ABF ran again before the police could get back to the house. Eventually the police decided to act as if they were leaving the area, and I spent 2 more hours in the house in dead silence…listening only to the police radio…with 2 police officers hiding in the house with us with tazer guns. He did come back again—and his mom opened the door—he was still drunk, covered in mud, and yelling at his mom…he broke the stick over his knee….and the police took him down and took him back to jail yelling & screaming.
I found a note to me in his bedroom…parts of it said, “the plans I made for me will put an end to us”…“and you will not go down with the sinking ship…” and quoted a song, “…I've seen fire and I've seen rain…I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end, I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend…But I always thought that I'd see you again...”
I am CONSUMED with guilt and I am so so so sad….I keep thinking, WHY did I say that to him??? WHY was I so harsh? WHY wasn’t I there for him tonight when he told me he loved me? WHY wasn’t I there when he told me he needed me??? WHY didn’t I go to the meeting he asked me to go to with him??? WHY did I refuse to see him??? WHY didn’t I go to church with him the other day??? I love him so much, and I am so afraid, and so sad….
thanks for listening