wow I made it 28days
Hi,
I'm Sammy. I'm new to this site. A friend non-user has been using it to try and understand what I am going through and told me about it. Today is my 28th day clean. I cannot believe it. I have been using drugs since age 12. I started using opiates at age 13 and since than have tried everything everyway. In April of this year I started using IV and before that my family just thought I was doing a little partying. My parents had found drugs before but the first time they found needles in May 07 they actually sat down and talked to me about it I laughed and said f*** off. I proceeded to use. I was arrested later in the month and thrown into an out-patient rehab (my parents said if I didn't attend some kind of rehab they would kick me out). I used everyday of my month in rehab. I didn't take it serious and everyone kenw that. I than decided living in my car was better than living in a house and eating once a day (if that) was better than a kitchen full of food. I went home 3 times from in a two month span.. everytime my parents were at work. I went there stole change and food and got out of there. I was so broke. I couldn't hold a job but I knew the ways to use myself to get what I wanted. Finally the police took my car after my parents (who were the 'actual' owners on the title) called it in stolen because I stopped answering my phone and now late Aug I was homeless(since I lost my car), broke, hungry and hating myself so much that I almost just wanted to walk into the police station and turn myself in. My parents always paid my cell phone bill because they wanted a way to get ahold of me and I decided to call my aunt and go talk to her. I did thinking she would understand maybe give me some money and let me use there extra car. Instead she put my 9 yearold cousin on the phone. That little girl was the only person I kept a picture of on me at all times. She got on the phone and said the words that made me go home and actually beg for help she said, "Sammy, why do you want to die? Why do you do those evil things that are going to kill you? I love you do you know that?". I started crying and told her to stay away because I wasn't a good person and hung up the phone. That was on Aug 26. I went home of the 27th of Aug and found that my 2 uncles from st. louis drove down and had been at my house for 3 days looking for me. My aunt (from the convo earlier), uncle and cousin were there, my mom and dad were home and two very close family friends. All these people at my parents house hoping to hear from me or find me or just anything.. a sign of life.
So now it's Sept 23rd and I have been clean 28 days. I have great family support and the friends that care are extermly supportive also.
BUT why do I want that life I had back?
I lay in my bed at night and cry because I know everyone is tipping toeing around because they don't want me to mess up. No one in my family truely understands what I'm going through and why I have good days and bad days.
I'm so scared to let them down again. I hate the fact that I forced myself into believing no one cared when I had so many people worried sick.
why do I still want to use so bad? Not only use but I just want them all to forget about me. But me back on the streets to rot. I just don't want to cause them anymore pain.
but this is enough rambling for my first post.