As I type this, my AH just walked in the room with a beer. Last night he went bowling with friends and I was in bed asleep when he came home so not sure about if he had a few last night or not.
When he said he was quitting I had the talk with him about AA. Mostly informative stuff like statistics and how sobriety is rarely achieved without support, sponsor and working a recovery program. I highly recommended it but was clear the decision was up to him and for him. Just two short weeks ago his words were he would do whatever it takes. Admitting to me he had a problem is just scratching the surface of his denial imo.
He totally cringes at the mention of AA even when it's not about him. My friend and I were talking on the phone a few days after AH quit about the latest exploits of one of her coworkers. Young guy, married, makes a ton of money, has a house worth around 800K and finally admitted he had a serious problem after his latest horror show, landing in jail etc. He joined AA and he's very serious about it.
AH was listening to the conversation and I could see him immediately getting anxious to the point where he left the room. I'm sure he meant it at that moment he said he was quitting but I don't think he's ready to admit he can't do this on his own, that he's powerless over it. He can't get past the anxiety and deal with deeper denial to go the next step to AA. I think he just wants to stop being an abusive jerk, but wants to still be able to have a few like anyone else. But he hasn't figured it out he can't do that and has to completely quit.
Bottom line he's not ready and the balls in my court about what do I want for me.
One thing that I never thought about before is whether I can live with a dry drunk or him in recovery if he decides to get serious. I think I just wanted the drunken rages to stop. When I expressed my boundary I don't think I was very clear and may need to rethink and reword it. I said I couldn't live with the drunkenness, abuse and chaos anymore. I never expected he would actually try to stop for as long as he tried. And he mentioned tonight when he saw me notice him with a beer that I'll never see him drunk again. I've never thought about living with someone wondering all the time if they'll slip either dry drunk or in recovery. I really really have to think about that and what my boundaries are. I think I've always thought that I would stay with him if the drinking stopped and if he was in recovery working a program. Now I don't know for sure if I can say that. I know for sure I can't feel committed to the relationship anymore if he just quits without working it.
I'm like you in this respect, when I leave it will be over, no going back. Inner changes happen, decisions are made and life marches on. I wouldn't consider living together again and possibly putting myself through this a second time. And I think Alanon will be with me too for a long time to come.