I feel your pain Lady. It's so hard. I could almost cry just thinking about the situation. I am trying so hard to focus on myself. I am trying so hard to make the right decisions for me and my kids. I will not go back once I leave. I know myself. I am hoping he decides to do something before it's too late for me to turn back. I have no control over that. I only know that I am not ready to take that step yet. Forever is a long time.
I am going to two meetings today. I have my regular Friday group mid-day and tonight I am attending a new meeting. I am excited to meet new people. I am also attending my Sat. AA meeting where the people there welcome an Al-Anon member and some are both AA and Al-Anon. I like that meeting a lot and they thank me for coming which is a nice feeling. I am also attending a new Al-Anon meeting on Sun. morning which is quite a drive but I am excited about that one too. I haven't told Abf my plans yet.
As for him, the drinking commenced again last night. It's not good that he's back to drinking full time. Something he said last week scared me and I now realize why. He mentioned a woman in his meeting saying that she realized that no matter how many times you slip or what you do wrong, AA is the only group which will welcome you back. He so enjoyed saying that to me that I felt he had a realization that he could mess up over and over and it was okay. He wouldn't be judged and could always quit and rejoin AA anytime he wanted. It sounded to me like he was giving himself a free pass to drink whenever he felt like it and he was happy about it. I think I was right. He hasn't been back since that meeting.
I avoided him last night knowing that he was drinking but he didn't tell me he was. It was the old familar sound of the ice maker putting ice into his pint size glass for that Red Bull and Vodka drink. The sound made my heart sink. I fell asleep on the couch by 9:30 and wouldn't get up. He tried all lovey-dovey kissing my cheek, tucking me in on the couch, covering me up with the blanket, etc. but it's not a sober gesture so it doesn't count. I discount all drunken gestures, good or bad. They don't matter because it's not the real him. I am not happy about the tension I will be living under again. Even though I choose to duck out of arguments instead of joining them, it doesn't make me any less anxious when I know he's been drinking. I still am living in that unknown fear of what will happen tonight? Will it be peaceful or a rage? I hate that feeling. And after enjoying a few weeks of an evenness, knowing that it would just be him, not the raging drunk, I am sad to know Mr. Hyde is back.
Jenny