Need to vent - input wanted
Just wanted to vent that it's been about a month since SO has started to work AA. He's half-heartedly trying, which is better than not trying at all, but I'm being impatient (silently) and wanting him to embrace this program. I know it's not my business but his crap still effects me to some extent and I can't help that if I am having a relationship with this man.
It's becoming easier to detact at times since I've started my program. I am at peace more and I don't engage in arguments as much. I don't get antagonized as often and for that I'm grateful. I speak up in meetings and talk to people afterward but I still am not completely comfortable. This is a new experience for me, opening up with strangers and being friendly. I am normally a cautious person by nature and like to observe people before I decide to befriend someone. I am learning to trust and open up right away but it's hard for me. I especially hate the no-crosstalk rule because I wish sometimes I could ask someone a question to better understand what they are saying and I would love some feedback of what I say in meetings but it's now allowed. It feels good to openly say how I feel and not be judged though.
I wish I could go to ameeting every day. I wish there were CoDa meetings in my area because I would love to join that too. I think I would benefit tremendously from them.
The 1 1/2 months A has been in "recovery" has gone like this so far: First two weeks, meetings here and there and still drinking; huge binge and bad argument, started back to AA meetings and talking with people for 16 days straight, no drinking, talking freely about how wonderful the people are in meetings, how much he is getting back, calling and talking with other members, doing some reading of BB. He was in a best friend's wedding and it all fell apart about two weeks ago. Drank that night, no AA the next day but back on the wagon and meetings again the following day. Exclaimed how he liked being sober, didn't like the hazy head and hung over feeling. Felt good being sober. The following Sat., started drinking again. Had another fight that night, and have had a bumpy week so far. Hasn't been back to a meeting since the fight on Sat. night. Also drank again last night but only two huge drinks and no argument. Also admitted that he hasn't surrendered on Sat. night. Doesn't look good does it?
I know I can't control this. I just want to not feel so crappy. I know I'm in charge of this, no one else, except my HP. I'm working it. I can't help but feel sad and let down when I think there is hope and I see improvement to only take a bunch of steps back again. It depresses me.
Jenny