CarolnRose

Hi..I'm new to the forums and have been searching the web looking for some kind of help..of peace..and found you. My husband and I have lived in a non alcohol home due to my health..I have had 4 heart attacks. But by the age of 12 my youngest son was drinking beer and hard liquor daily as we would find beer cans and empty bottles hidden all over his room. Between 12 and 15 we took him to different counseling, only to have him switch to pot use. By 16 he was on pot, coke and heroin and was sent court ordered to Daytop. He was there for 9 months and then released only to go back on drugs and back into stealing cash and tools from us along with taking our cars when we slept at night. We went thru more drug programs with him, always hoping and believing each time that this time would work.
But each time he went back to drugs and committed more serious crimes ending up in jail. He went from a slew of shoplifting to car theft and now he is 23 and back in jail again for stealing cash from his job. He sends me letters begging me to love him and to believe he didn't do this crime, but he never tells the truth..he never even admitted stealing the car which I only found out the truth about when I read his copy of the discovery. I want to believe he is innocent this time, but I can't believe him because he never tells the truth. Since he had lost his drivers license I drove him back and forth to work and because of that I was questioned about the theft.
I drove him when I had a really severe case of shingles and since I had to drive I couldn't take any of the pain pills the doctor had given me..then I find out from his girlfriend that she had offered to drive him to work each day to make it easier on me and he told her no..it was our special time. He wrote me telling me he knew I was in pain and he would have preferred that physical pain rather then the mental pain he suffered watching me drive. Apparantly he doesn't know she told me about her driving offer that he had refused. I am suffering now from severe depression because I have not sent him any money this time that he is back in jail and I have not gone to see him as I did all the other times. I did write him telling him that he has money confused with love and that I have finally set boundaries and will not allow him back in my life if he continues to do drugs and commit crimes...he wrote back telling me I need to change my way of thinking if I expect other people to change and that hopefully I will learn one day that love has no boundaries. Eleven years of trying to help him, of being there when he needed me, being there when he had no one else and he sees none of that as love..he manipulates everyone so badly that no one not even the girl he was seeing will visit him because he makes everyone feel guilty since they did not bail him out or believe him. He wrote that we all think he s better off in jail as he can t do drugs there., but he says he can get drugs there, so I refuse to send him any money..then he tells people how cold he is there and how hungry he is and how no one will help him. I feel like I'm going crazy, and to make matters worse he has hepatitis C which they do not treat in jails here so when he wrote he told he was going to die and it will be my fault for not gettting him out. God forgive me for saying this, but for awhile I thought about putting up the bail and picking him up and driving the car off one of the cliffs where we live.
I know that sounds awful, but somehow to me, it seemed it would put us both at peace..I didn't do only because my other son is a police officer and I knew it would hurt him and he doesn't deserve that. My husband wants to move away from here and I would like to move also..move closer to where older son lives but then I feel like what kind of mother am I to want to move away from her lost child. I'm so confused and so hurt........... CarolnRose