Thanks all for your words of support and understanding. You know, even after I wrote this - I still felt such sadness yesterday. I talked it through with my counselor and I feel better but still. I am dumbfounded that he doesn't get it. I'm sad that I know we could have a good life together but he is choosing to cope with life by drinking. I'm angry too, but not so much at him anymore ( although sometimes I wish I was). But I realize that he is where he is in his life and there is NOTHING I can do to get him to quit or stay quit. Love him, leave him, go back, get angry, feel sorry, give words of encourgement, build him up, keep an eye on him - Nothing works until he is ready.
And Lakemama -- My xbf was in 3 rehabs. Twice at the Salvation Army, one detox/halfway house. I stuck by him - visited him. And he still didn't make any of them past 30 days. As soon as he earned some privledges/freedom to leave the premises - he would drink and then got kicked out. I was on and off for 5 years with him. Took me along time to get where I am. And I still have such a long way to go. I'm going to start Al anon. Because I still get those old codie urges.