TrishaV

I have stayed away from this site for a few days nows, at first when I found the site I was on it morning..noon...and...night because I wanted to gather all the information on this problem that is wrecking lives everywhere, everyday, every hour, every minute. At first when I read success stories, it gave me a glimps of hope that someday I will be writing a story such as that...and...I felt so happy for the people who were telling their story. As days go by and I haven't heard from my daughter, it appears that me telling my success story will never happen...and...that discourages me and as much as I hate admitting it, makes me jealous and so resentful. I want my daughter back, I want my grandkids to know the wonderful person that she was before she allowed drugs to take over her life. I want the laughter that we shared!!!

I think right now, it is the jealousy part that is making me crumble inside. I can't find it within me right now to be happy for others. I have always been a kind and given person and right now I feel as though I am being self-centered because I want what everyone else has. Don't get me wrong, I know deep down inside I am happy for anyone who has a success story....I just don't know how to deal with it right now especially during a time that I am trying to finalize taking my grandbabies away from their drug addicted mother. I am not happy doing this, the last thing I wanted was to raise babies again...but..this is something that I am forced to do to ensure that have a happy and healthy life. But, as I sit here telling everyone I am not happy, how to I provide them with the life they need. How do I do this with a part of my life missing ...not knowing if she will ever come back?? How do I just go on day by day...putting on a front making everyone think that I am strong and Okay?? I am not, I am dieing inside, I hurt, i struggle, I hate, I am saddend and worst of all...I am jealous. I hate being me right now, I hate the lies I have to live with and the fear of not knowing.

Sorry, I am just so frustrated. I spend the weekend with family...i put on the BIG front....all while I was dieing inside. I listen to everyone tell me what they would do..when NONE of them have a freaking clue as to what I am going through. I am just sick of it all.