I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I too am feeling like I am in a black hole. I just spent 30 mins crying in the shower yelling that I feel like I am 'full of poison'.
I feel like I am full of poison and no matter what I do I can't get it out.
My ex has been described by my therapist as a 'vampire, a conman, a socio-path, an abuser' among other things.
He shows absolutely no remorse for almost sucking the very life itself out of me. I let him almost destroy my heart, my soul, my sanity, the very core of me..... and still he kept lying, stalking, harassing, abusing, charming, cajoling, convincing, casting blame, and using with no thought to how it affected me. In one of the last conversations we had he said he did it all 'because he could'.
If I did not have my therapist I don't know where I would be now. I certainly would have had to have more time off work as I barely hold on and get done what I have to.... but the bills have to be paid. I am struggling with lots of medical issues, just plain sick. I think it is the poison in me still. He put it there and I let him. I am working so hard on so many positive things to help get it out, but still it bubbles up and spews forth and life seems a river of muck sometimes.
Please try and find a therapist..... mine is in the process of doing more research into some of the particular things he did and how they would affect someone as she has not had to deal with this sort of thing to this extent before. She is someone I trust completely and have told things I have told no other about what happened. It is so important to have that impartial person who's not caught up in what's happened to validate the feelings you have and let you know you are not going mad and you deserve so much more and to help you work on how to get there.
Fortunately I have not turned to any type of addictive substance or behaviour to try to numb the pain, but I have considered it. Having my therapist to talk to has probably gone a long way to helping me in this respect.
Going to meetings and finding a therapist will help you find your feet and start climbing out of the hole.
Peace.