I haven't posted in a while and I haven't lurked either. This is why i've been in a funk with a weak spirit. Thank you CE Girl. I needed to read this. It reminds me of the little voice in my head that I thought I had dealt with. Its that little voice who tells me i'm not worth enough to fix, that i'm ugly, that i don't have the right to ask for what i need, that sabotages my everything, that directs me to seek love in unavailable people, that gets me stuck in a funk, that keeps me from asking for a freaking raise, that tells me that if I fixed the bathwater too hot then I need to keep my foot in it because I deserve that for being so inefficient........
The voice creeps back in so quietly but its commands are natural, i've heard it all my life. I don't know where it began or when it began. I've only begun to "hear" it recently. Looking back I can see where the voice pointed me in the wrong direction so many times.
...and when I discovered this voice I thought awareness alone would defeat it. I was invincible and dammed this voice to oblivion.....
....but I became complacent because i'm not recovered enough to just hear the voice and dismiss it...so it crept back in, silently. that's the funk. that's the reason I cannot manage to see the sun although its bright outside. that's the reason I want to curl up into a ball and hide from everything. that's why I want to deny myself pleasure and fear so many things i shouldn't fear.
that's why i'm codependent.