As I travel this journey that is my recovery,,,,I am begining to realize how hard it is to break the cycle. And how it is affecting my today.
Maybe those of you who can identify with what I'm about to share, can help me through?
I don't know about the rest of you, but as I begin to take advantage of the clarity in which I can now see, I realize the hold my XA had over me was the ability to whittle away at my core. To take the things in my life that meant the most to me, and twist them to latter use against me to keep the control.
For example, I had a TON of friends when I met my A. As he began to know me,,and later them, he began to "enlighten" me as to how they used me. Now not all at once, that would have been too suspicious, but one at a time, slowly, subtly, till I began to doubt our friendship. I stopped hanging out with them, one by one.
Then it was my family. My daughters, the "life' I gave. My Mom. Siblings, I should have SEEN, when he hated my beloved island.
You beginging to see a pattern here?!?!?!? he,he,he
Isolation
And even worse, a profound sense of self doubt. With all the cunningness of his disease, I had slowly come to realize my lack of worth. Not only to others, but worst of all, to myself. I BECAME the things he convinced me I was. Not worthy of others affection, instead only thought of as a vessel for others gratification, used and left with the overwhelming thought that my life was a lie. Therefore, so was I.
As I have begun to get in touch with my core, I began to realize, there was somewhere in my past, where I was made to feel the same way. Told I was selfish, a liar and would never amount to anything. Punished for being a child. Because truth be known, I was one that never was wanted.
Ya think that's why I WANTED to make an A love me?!?!?!?!?!?
Epiphany
In any case, I'm dealing with it. The help of a WONDERFUL program in al anon, my sponsor AND SR,,,
Because of the blow to my core, I am left with distrust. That little nagging piece of me that still BELIEVES I am unworthy, therefore those that love me must be dishonest, and they are using my emotions to "fool" me into trusting them with my most inner, deepest thoughts and truths.
Up until now, this is the HARDEST part of my recovery. Including detaching, setting boundary's and ultimatly LEAVING my XA. I feel sorta like I'm stuck in a "twilight zone". One foot in the FREEDOM of trusting again, the other in a black abyss of risking never trusting again.
How do I let go and let down the wall that stops me from trusting?
How do I not let it affect my today?
Ok, so you KNOW I'm a native hippie chick. All about GOOD spirits, peace and love. I got my FIRST tatoo when I was, ummmmm,,let's say "older"
he,he,he,,The reason why was because I wanted to think about what I wanted on my body permanently. What I choose was a native symbol for continum, a rattle snack wrap around my ankle, biting its tail fiercly. Its a little scary actually, the eye of the snake is yellow, showing the strength and power of its grip as it sturggles desperatly to hold on and not let go. Oh,,and by the way,,ironic isn't it that I choose what is known as a "bad" spirit
You know why? Because it REMINDS me to "break the cycle".
Peace