THIS is a great thread.
Thank you to everyone for your responses.
Today I met with my therapist and we discussed a few things that I had to come back from the session and sit down and write about.
Some of it is redundant but since I conveyed how crazy and out of control I had been feeling because of his mood swings and "dry drunk" behavior - I told her I was desperate to do something.
Here is what I came up with and printed out to remind myself:
Therapy Recap: (For this week)
-YOU.YOU.YOU. You will need to FORCE yourself for this one. IT WILL BE UNCOMFORTABLE. You must push yourself to do "first things first." Meaning you think about YOU first- your goals, your priorities, your commitments, your values. You are a whole, loving and wonderful person as you are right now without anyone else attached to you.
Get out of his business and into your own. It is YOUR responsibility to value the things in your life. NOT his. He cannot do this if you are not doing this. Remember it will BE hard. Push through it. Accept the discomfort. These are building blocks of strength.
You will find peace when you are centered in yourself. If you have a steady and strong foundation of self- circumstances around you cannot kick you off your rocker. IT took a process to break you down, it will take a process to build you back up into the woman you are.
-YOU WILL NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CALL HIM BACK after you have said goodnight. (Background: I have the most trouble at night if we've said goodnight on the phone, I tend to get panicky about any number of things I cannot control and then call him back to relay these fears. Does nothing but make me more upset. I said that I need to keep my contact with him down because the more we speak- the more I am obsessing and overanalyzing and brooding over. This is a step for me.) If you need to throw the phone out the window- SO BE IT. Your neediness will drive him away. If you want to be at peace, than this is a step forward. YOU have not been in this relationship for a long time. It has been all about him. YOU are the one who must take the necessary steps to RESPECT yourself, FOCUS on yourself even when every compulsive and obsessive cell in your body is pushing you to do otherwise. YOU have to be present as YOU in any and all relationships, you cannot be a leech because you feel too weak to claim your power and go against others to take care of yourself. It WILL get easier with practice. Endure the discomfort. It will pass- ask yourself what it is you NEED right now that you are seeking from calling back and journal about it or call someone about it. But whatever you do, do not act out compulsively. You will only feel worse.
-Keep things simple. Take things for face value. DO not overanalyze or make more complicated than they are- Your life needs you right now. This means breaking things down into simple tasks so you can differentiate between what is YOURS and what is ANOTHER persons. Ultimately YOU CANNOT CONTROL ANYTHING ABOUT ANOTHER PERSON. If you try- it merely controls you and takes YOUR personal power away. This is your disease. You are not centered in yourself. You begin to take your power back when you act out in ways that are RESPECTFUL of yourself and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR NEEDS. YOU ALONE can take care of yourself. FEELINGS are not facts. You FEEL like you can't. YOU FEEL like you need others validation. You do not. You are still whole and worthy and wonderful. You are a goddess but no one else can see this until YOU begin to see it. You are your hardest critic and the only person you need to convince of your worth, wonderfulness, beauty, desirability and individuality.
Again- right or wrong- this is what I've come up with for myself for this week. I have to try things that are DOABLE for me and not overwhelm myself highlighting all the flaws in my self-concept and all the ways in which I am not living the life I want. My therapist pointed out that I get so wrapped up in seeing things from a million angles that it is keeping me stuck instead of just allowing something to be broken down into a simple choice or action and not picked apart.
This is really hard for me because I am the sort of person who feels like I have to be aware of EVERYTHING all at once so I can fix it and if I don't identify it than it could potentially slip away and never be dealt with. I get anxiety about this- strange, I know- but I need to breathe and focus on just these things for the time being.