Thank you all for your heartfelt responses.
Sometimes the "wounded child" in me is so in control - or more realistically - out of control in that it can grasp no logic, it reacts and behaves and thinks straight from emotional regardless of how irrational the belief. I continue to realize how the child in me is reacting when I examine the emotions behind the situation itself. For example, I have my first day at school yesterday - it was a long one. He has meetings in the evening and a workshop. He calls me to tell me he got a therapist and spoke with his sponsor. When we're talking all the while, the child in me has her arms crossed and is pouting that he is not asking ME how my day was or about how my classes were and resentment is building because the relationship does NOT feel the way it once was - which was every aspect of my life was of great importance to him. For some reason, again childlike- I take it personally that in his recovery he is not able to do this yet and fear that he may never.
Alot of the time, I am afraid to hope anything- I feel so fragile that my defense mechanism is my negativity, cynicism and thinking the worst which he comments as being detrimental to things overall and reminds me that he cannot always be the one having faith.
The past few days I have been reacting out of fear and stripping myself of any dignity I had left- whining and crying like a baby to be reassured of another's love. When it comes down to it, I KNOW that it has nada to do with abf and EVERYTHING to do with my inability to give myself my own voice or to validate myself.
As is probably a broken record- once we LET GO and LET GOD - for me the control freak there is a period of absolute thrashing involved there where I am thrust into panic mode and begin reacting out of deep fear. I was flipping thru Lang of Letting go and came across an entry titled "Feeling Protected."I believe it is our right in relationships to want to feel a sense of security and protectedness from our partner. I mean ultimately, the sense of security of self must come from within, but having a feeling of stability is something we all crave.
THANKS again all - so much wisdom.