Thanks for your responses.
Anvil~ I think you're definitely right. Limiting contact gives me room to see what is going on with me and focus on where I am at in my recovery- which truth be told- hasn't seemed to be my priority. I often get so reeled into trying to decipher where he's at or what he's doing simply because I want to make sure I'm not formulating expectations or fantasizing about a future that will only hurt me in the end.
Taking care of myself is feeding myself what I know my soul and mind need to begin to achieve some sort of serenity.
I am in need of some serious inner child work as indicated by reactions to alot of this. When I question myself about the anxiety and what the underlying fear is- it always comes back to me needing to take care of my inner child. It's that part of me that has not yet matured and who acts out in panic anytime things seems out of control.
Ah, but the need to fix or regulate or control is so hardwired and automatic. It's a concious effort- almost physically hard for me to pull myself away when I have the urge to perform a rescue.
Only thing that's been helping me is trying to keep it simple. We have a conversation- he is moody or snappy- I say outloud to myself, "This is HIS stuff, not my responsibility. I needn't take it personally. It is what is going on with HIM and not a reflection of his feelings for me, towards me etc."
Then I have to choose not to react out of fear or the need to control and this means conciously visualizing "letting go" and reminding myself that trying to control what he does ultimately renders me helpless and controls ME. I find relief when I own some of my power and choose to take an observers perspective about the situation. Owning one's own power and realizing that they have a choice as to how they react and do NOT need to follow their old, harmful patterns, is scary at first.
As GiveLove has told me before, I need to PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE. Grrrr, I groan with frustration -- this is exhausting and I want a quick fix!!!! I know that this is not how recovery works. I am trying to have faith. I have been praying for strength and faith to let go and Let God. I've buried my inner champion and I need to resurrect her or him and start making them pump iron.