Overcoming the need to fix
I have alot of information on this subject - self-help readings, etc. which incidentially I honestly believe have stopped having effect on me.
Anyways... KNOWING things about this subject has NOT prepared me for putting it into practice. ABF is in recovery and in a sober house in FL. Recently he has been experiencing insane mood swings and a generally perpetually pissed off attitude towards the world. He's slipping out of the "pink cloud" of recovery and his behavioral ways of being angry at the world have returned.
I have NOT been doing well keeping my hands out of the mix. Honestly, I WANT him to recover and stay in recovery. This goes along with the whole concept of accepting my powerlessness and detaching in a way in which I can STILL function even if he is not choosing healthy ways to live and deal with life. I've been reacting the past day or so since I've been back. I am the one he talks to the most so he takes alot of anguish out on me and when I squabble about him not giving me time he gets angry and nasty. I have a hard time not trying to preach to him or obsess about whether or not he is going to talk to his sponsor or seek out healthy ways to manage this feeling OR get himself back to an inner space of serenity. So many fears race through my mind and the fact of the matter is I DO want him to get better and stay moving forward, but it STINKS that the best thing I can do is LEAVE HIM ALONE.
It is taking SO much of me to just stop the psychobabble and suggestions and reminders and leave his yard/house the heck alone and retreat to my own. (I LOVE this analogy- it helps in learning to take care of myself.)
Don't get me wrong- most times I am a complete, stomach-clenched nutcase after he lashes out on me. Slowly, I am learning to terminate the conversations if I do not like the way he is speaking to me or the things he is saying. But not always- sometimes I take his anger and it ends up hurting me in the end. He has spoken about the overload of emotions he is feeling and how he needs to get some help- I HATE that I cannot help him myself or "make him see the light." Not having a choice on what he decides to do is another hard thing.
It's so fruitless for me to tell him how crappy he's acting and then continue talking ot him- I only feel worse. So, today I told him to call me when he feels a little better because he is just in a miserable mood and since I'm having a difficult time not letting it affect me- I would appreciate it if he would speak to me when he is feeling better. This was hard for me to say since I've been sending novel-like text messages since this morning with preachy lines describing how much he has to live for and how he needs to start doing this or that. I had to set that boundary with him and need to STILL be firm with it. It is SO hard. I know I will feel the compulsion tonight to call or text him to ease my feelings of discomfort not knowing if he is choosing to cope in healthy ways.
I find myself so fidgety in terms of having to hold myself back from the phone calls, the text messages. Overcoming this need to fix because I somehow feel I can alter or help the outcome is really aggravating.
What has worked for others?